Monthly Archives: March 2013

Rebuilding a Child’s Confidence

As an infant, my daughter could have been considered a very confident baby. Not a lot phased her, she rarely objected to strangers holding her and in play group settings, was very interactive with other babies and seemed happy to explore her environment with plenty of confidence to try new things. She has always displayed exceptional intelligence and physical ability and has a beautiful heart, but somewhere along the way, my little girl’s confidence has been knocked.

No longer is she always such a happy, carefree girl, and although this shift in confidence has been gradual and is peaking just as she approaches the age of two (a tough developmental stage), I can’t help but think that maybe there were some areas of my parenting that in some way contributed to my daughter’s change of nature.

I have decided to break it up into the four areas which I think may not have been ideal for supporting the confidence she was innately born with:

1. Putting her into situations she was not ready for:

I used to have so much fun taking my daughterto the park when she was just a small baby. She seemed to love being pushed in the swing and being slid down the slippery slide. I would also help her climb up large structures by supporting and boosting her up. Unfortunately, I didn’t realise that by putting her into situations that she could not get into herself, I was unwittingly conveying the message that her actual abilities were not good enough.

Then, it was a little like a perpetual roundabout that was difficult to get off. The more we did this, the more she wanted to do it and the more she would become frustrated when she couldn’t.

In a previous post, I spoke about my natural desire to want to see my child achieve her milestones. I would try to aide her rolling by helping her onto her tummy or back when she was clearly trying to do this herself but not quite making it. I believe this may have kick started her ‘frustration squeal’ as she learned to depend on me to get herself into positions she didn’t have the muscular control to do herself and in doing so made her question the confidence she had in her own ability to do things, as well as making her feel she was inadequate because she couldn’t do it.

The same happened when she was thinking about crawling. On hands and knees, I would gently guide her hand forward, followed by her knee to show her the motions. It wasn’t long before she realised that she couldn’t crawl by herself when she wanted to and so the screams continued.

Then came the walking and so on. To her, it seemed that what she was capable of doing in the here and now was never good enough and my pushing her into things she wasn’t ready for was only fuelling this thought.

2. Playing too well with her:

When she was younger, I loved playing with her. It was like I was reliving my own childhood. I loved to build her towers that she could knock down and then help her to build her own.

When we played with play dough, I would be right beside her playing too. I would make lovely shapes and figures and tell stories with them whilst my daughter looked on with her big ball of mushed play dough.

When she would colour with her pencils, I would enjoy colouring in myself, being sure to stay neatly inside the lines. Little did I realise that by engaging with her play in this way I was undermining her confidence. She would see what I was doing and when she realised she could not do it as well as I could, she would give up.

In hindsight, she communicated this to me well before she could speak. If she was building blocks beside me and was having trouble stacking more than three blocks, whilst I was easily building a great tower she would aggressively knock both hers and mine over with a yell of frustration and move onto something else.

Her reaction with the playdough was very similar and when we would colour, if she stopped to look up at mine, she would see how neat it was and then quickly scribble over the top of it and tear her own page or throw her book on the ground. She knew there was no way she could complete the tasks to the standard she thought she had to, so she would vent her frustration and then destroy my creations, maybe trying to tell me I was expecting too much.

I was teaching her how to do things properly but I hadn’t realised that, in a child’s eyes, there is no such thing as properly until you show them there is.

3. Helping too much when frustrations set in:

It is so instinctive to want to jump to the rescue of a child who is crying out for help. It is an easy fix. You solve whatever problem is ailing them and then they’re happy, you’re happy because they’re happy and everyone can go on happily playing. Problem is, when you do this, you are giving them the message that they can’t do it on their own. Therefore, when the same or a similar situation arises, the child will continue to cry out for help, lacking their own confidence to work it out for themselves.

When I think about it, I helped my daughter from early on by handing her the toy she was searching for, just out of her reach. As she grew older I helped her with puzzles, shape sorters and other toys that required problem solving. I would unhook her pram when it got stuck on something as she pushed it in an effort to prevent her shouts of frustrations and turn her posting cards around the right way for her so she could post them into the box easily.

I thought I was helping her through her struggles; I was showing her how to do things so she would quickly learn and not have to struggle anymore. Problem was, she wasn’t given the opportunity to work things out for herself and by helping her through her frustrations, I was conveying a message that she was incapable of doing it on her own.

4. Providing her with too many electronic toys:

Complex in their design but simple in their operation, electronic toys gave my daughter a false sense of her ability. With many of her electronic toys, she could simply press a button or pull a handle and something amazing would happen. It was so easy for her that when given an inert toy that did not have a button to push or lever to pull, she had unrealistic expectations of what should happen with these toys. When she could not get something to perform for her easily, she would give up and question her ability to work it. She had little perseverance for problem solving type toys. preferring the cheap entertainment of the flashy toys.

Where to From Now?

Following RIE philosophies, I am now in the process of re-building my daughter’s confidence. As I undertake this task, I am mindful that this is not a quick fix and will take a great deal of dedication, patience and reassurance.

I now refrain from my own desires to play with my child and when I do, I am always careful to allow her to guide the play and tell me what to do, rather than the other way around. Electronic toys are a thing of the past and she is now able to engage in skill building, problem solving and open ended toys for longer periods of time.

If she cannot climb it, jump it, get into it or on it then she doesn’t get any assistance from me other than gentle support with comments like: “I can see you’re trying really hard. It’s difficult to climb over that climbing frame. If you’d like to keep trying I will stay right beside you for support.”

By substituting the old methods for these new ones, I am slowly starting to see a return in the spirit of my little girl and I hope she will go on to climb mountains, full of confidence that she can achieve anything she sets her mind to in life.

Could Young Children be Better Served by Not Teaching Them?

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Having been a teacher for 12 years, I had always thought I would have a distinct advantage over other parents who had not trained in this area in giving my children a leg up in their education. After all, I knew all the little tricks for learning, I knew what needed to be learned (or I thought I did) and I knew how hard it could be for a child who was behind in their work and could never seem to get on top of things. I was determined that my children would begin their schooling half-educated and ready to hit the ground running, not having to struggle through.

So after the birth of my first daughter, even though I had switched to mother mode and was to take a year’s leave from teaching, I just couldn’t quite separate my role as a teacher from that of a mother. I religiously read to my baby, showed her flashcards naming all the objects, got little foam letters for the bathtub to spell out her name, went through all the shape names as we poked them through the shape sorter and on it went. I even went so far as to order the ‘Your Baby Can Read’ program and for a little while, plonked my baby in front of it as if it would somehow miraculously teach her to read. Oh dear, how wrong I was!

I have since learned that teaching is not in the role description of a parent – at least, not explicitly. I am not employed by my babies to teach them the alphabet, maths, or even how to walk, talk or eat their food. My role is as a guide only. I am here to provide them with an environment which provides them with safety and security as well as the experiences for them to learn for themselves.

My children are best served by me sitting back and observing. Showing them how to do things instead of trusting them to work it out for themselves, insisting they point out the red sheep in the book we are reading together, involving myself in their play by showing them how tall I can build a tower of blocks or interfering in their daily struggles and challenges not only pressures them to do more and know more than they already happily do but also robs them of the opportunity to develop even more important life skills such as perseverance, hypothesising, resilience, forming conclusions, risk taking, cause and effect and the list goes on.

Like Magda Gerber once said:

“Be careful what you teach, it might interfere with what they are learning.”

A child who is not taught, gains the opportunity to experience the self-pride and confidence which comes when an achievement is made all by themselves. This can only serve to foster a lifelong love of learning which is paramount in arming our children for the lifetime of formal learning they will gain at school or in the workforce.

There is one thing we can be sure of with our children and that is that they are all born with an innate desire to learn. If I don’t show my children how to walk, will they never take those first steps in their lifetime? If I never teach my child the alphabet, does that mean they will never learn it? The thing is, a child’s desire to learn is far stronger than our need to teach and when the time is right for them, our children will seek out the knowledge they wish to continue to grow and develop at their own pace.

I have also discovered that there is nothing more joyful than watching your child persevere through frustrations, only to eventually triumph and complete the task they had set out to do. Jean Piaget wisely pointed out:

“When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.”

And when you see the smile light up on your little one’s face when they make the discovery or accomplish a task you will soon realise the importance of Piaget’s message. It is especially affirming when they immediately re-enact a struggle they just made it through as if to reassure themselves that they can do it and will continue to be able to do it when they need to in the future.

I now know that being present whilst my, now two, children are at play is all I need to do to ensure they learn all the vital skills they’ll need to be well-equipped for their lifetime of learning. In doing this, I also realise that they’ll actually learn far more than if I had continued to try to teach them everything at every opportunity.

: When my daughter climbed into this boat structure at the local playground earlier this week, I sat with her for nearly 20 minutes whilst she struggled to work out how to get back out. She tried going backwards and forwards on her tummy and then tried standing and holding on whist stepping down. Each time she would cry out in frustration and look to me for help. I was solid in my resolve and simply sat right near her and calmly acknowledged her frustrations and let her know that I would help her if she really needed me to. Each time I spoke this to her, she would look away from me and have another attempt. Although she was whinging, it was clear she didn’t want me to interfere. Eventually she got down by wriggling backwards feet first. It was then time to leave the park. I was back there today and you can guess where she made a beeline for when we arrived. Yep, the boat. She climbed straight up and then came straight back down, head first this time, within about 10 seconds. She then repeated this several times, alternating between going head first and feet first. Not a whinge to be heard but plenty of beaming smiles 🙂

Taming the Toys

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Today, I’ve been keenly following posts from Janet Lansbury depicting the play rooms of some of her followers. I have loved seeing how they have used (in most cases) minimal space to create a beautiful play environment for their toddlers. Many have used mirrors on walls to reflect light and be a focus point for curious crawlers. The use of book shelves is consistently seen to organise the toys neatly for the children to access and cosy areas are often created with the use of mats, cushions or other props to help define areas throughout the room. In all cases, the rooms are beautifully presented with all toys neatly in their homes and furniture in perfect alignment.

Reading through many of the comments that arose after each picture was posted, I noted that a lot of followers were amazed at how tidy the rooms were and how ‘inadequate’ they felt upon seeing such perfectly presented play rooms. It got me thinking, how do these people keep their rooms in such good order (even if it is just for a photo). Are their toddlers neat and tidy and return their toys to their homes after each time they use them? Highly unlikely! Are the parents extremely fastidious about cleanliness and tidiness and run behind after their toddlers all day ensuring everything is in its correct place? Good for them if they can keep that up day in and day out – haha!

I believe, in all likelihood, that its actually something to do with their room design, toy choices and layout. In my early days of parenting, I went a little nuts buying toys. Initially, it was manageable inside a couple of cupboards in the play areas I had designated for the kids. But following a couple of Christmases and a rather large first birthday party, it got to the stage where the cupboards (not to mention any spare drawers, boxes or corner areas) were so full that I literally had to hold the toys in place and close the door quickly so that they wouldn’t fall out. Of course, this meant that as soon as my daughter, Lucy, (2yrs) opened the cupboard, either the toys fell out around her or as soon as she pulled one thing out, five more would come with it. This not only created an instant mess but also meant that she would get distracted by all the toys that had come out and the original toy she was aiming for would be forgotten – not ideal when I was aiming to increase her attention span! This also occurred with the toys I had piled in boxes and neatly stored. She would rummage through the box to get to a toy and in doing so, would inevitably upend the whole box onto the floor and pretty soon, my seemingly orderly toy area was resembling a kids junk sale, rummaged through by 50 kids. With such a chaotic play space, the type of play that ensued was quite fragmented with each item discovered on the floor receiving about 3.6secs of attention before being discarded for the one that got tripped over or sat on or noticed out of the corner of her eye.

Clean up became a nightmare too as I tried hard to fit all the toys back into the cupboards, drawers and boxes so they wouldn’t fall out. 99% of the time, this could only be done once the kids were in bed because as I tried to put things away, my curious toddlers decided THAT was the toy they wanted to play with and would move heaven and earth (including all their other toys) to get it.

Upon seeing some other amazing play rooms on sites such as Play at Home Mum and An Everyday Story and venturing into the world of RIE, I realised that I needed a big toy clean out. My children did not need access to all their toys at once and in fact, this was counterintuitive for them developing creativity and independence in their play. I found an old book shelf in the garage and went to K Mart and bought a cheap shelving unit with 4 pigeon holes. I chose simple toys that would engage my children and develop their imaginations and problem solving and placed them neatly in their own spaces on the shelves such that no toy was touching another – each had its own designated area.

This is a small area for play we have set up in the only living room in the house. We recently moved a large coloured mat away from this space as the bright design meant that many puzzle pieces and other small objects became ‘lost’ causing loss of interest or frustration. We are now on the lookout for a plain design rug for here.

I was amazed how much more orderly the toy room suddenly became. The kids would come and pick out just one toy and sit down with it to explore. When they finished playing with that toy and went to collect another, I started gently talking to the girls about where the toys belonged and together we would put the used toy back in its place. Occasionally, now, Lucy will put her toy back in its home once she has used it but more often she leaves it out and goes in search of her next activity. I don’t mind though as I know that, to her, play is far more important and who am I to interrupt such important work in progress. I do find it really easy to pack things away myself though while the kids focus on another task or even at the end of the day when they have gone to bed, because each toy has its own space and there just isn’t the volume of toys there used to be strewn across the floor.

This is a small room at the front of the house that couples as a toy room, office space and guest bedroom. With each toy having its own space, clean up is easy.

Like others on Janet’s blog today, I introduce ‘new’ toys occasionally, swapping them for ‘old’ ones to keep the excitement alive. Toys ‘out of rotation’ are kept in the garage, out of the children’s reach and I am constantly amazed each time I reintroduce an ‘old’ toy at how the children react to it differently and find new ways to use it. I guess they have learned, developed and grown in the time since the toy was last out and can use their new found skills to create a new experience for themselves.

This cardboard box is being used as a stove top. The kid’s soft toys live inside the ‘oven’ part of the box and a few utensils for cooking live in the bottom left hand draw of the filing cabinet, to the right of the box.

Changing the Change Table Relationship

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I used to think that my baby made it hard for me to change her nappy but then I realised it was me who was getting it wrong.

Changing the Change Table relationship Continue reading →

Toys Fostering Creativity and Independence in Toddlers

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In my early parenting days I was drawn towards toys that lit up, buzzed, talked or spun around at a push of a button. It seemed that this style of toy was the best thing to hold my daughter’s attention as she delighted in the thrill of initiating an immediate cause- effect scenario. The flashing lights drew her in and the exciting sound kept her enthralled enough to continue pressing the button over and over.

I also drew comfort from the fact that many of these electronic toys repeatedly sung out abc’s and 123’s, exposing my daughter to early learning which could only serve her well for the future.

Toys fostering Creativity and Independence in Kids Continue reading →

The Joy of Natural Development

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Watching your child achieve their milestones in those early years must be one of life’s greatest pleasures. Each one gets carefully recorded and cameras are always on hand to capture those priceless moments when your baby first smiles, rolls, sits, laughs, crawls, walks and so the list goes on. As they occur, a parent can then also breathe a sigh of relief that their child is indeed on track.

The Joy of Natural Development

For many parents, though, that desire for their child to accomplish these milestones is so great that they take measures to assist and guide them through the process of achieving them. This may not seem a big deal but in doing this parents unwittingly restrict valuable opportunities for learning countless other skills along the way. What’s more, it also sends a message to the little ones that what they CAN do is not good enough; they need to do more.

I used to be one of these parents. I did not trust in my daughter’s capabilities to learn things for herself, nor could I curb my impatience for her to achieve milestones so I could show her off and revel in her achievement. Since studying and implementing Magda Gerber’s RIE approach I have made adjustments to my thinking about a child’s development and can now attest to the enormous benefits of restraining from assisting and instead, allowing natural development for my second daughter.

With my first child I did all the ‘normal’ parenting tricks thinking it was perfectly fine and in fact helpful for my child to be aided with props or myself. I used cushions to help her sit, I put her in a bouncer, a jolly jumper and a swing, each time delighting in the huge smiles she would give in return.

When she was showing small signs of wanting to crawl or stand, I was on hand to give her a push in the right direction. She was a fast learner and was standing at furniture at 7 months, crawling at 8 months and walking at 10.5 months.

Of course her first experience of walking was by me holding her hands above her head whilst she awkwardly stumbled forwards. This was followed soon after with pushing a walker around the house.

But in all the assistance I was providing her, I was denying her of the chance to develop these skills herself. I was taking away that opportunity for her to own her achievement and be proud of it. She would not slowly become aware of her body and its abilities like she should have been allowed to. Rather, she developed a false sense of security in her ability and when the time came for her to try things out independently, she often had accidents and mishaps.

The Joy of Natural Development

Soon after my second child was born, I was introduced to RIE. I learned that children did not need to be shown how to do anything. Children are capable beings who have natural instincts to achieve milestones in their own time. I learned my daughter would roll when she had naturally developed the muscles and neurons to enable it, she would sit when she felt she could do so safely and she would walk when she was ready.

And she is now totally content with her capabilities. She does not cry out quickly in frustration when she is not able to do something. I have never expected more of her than she is capable of doing and as such she has developed patience and contentment in her own body.

A pleasant side to this style of parenting has to be the sheer joy I now find as I watch my baby connect the dots. I have delighted in her determination to stand without any assistance or guidance and never once have I been concerned that she will fall after she has pulled herself up. I know that not only is her mind ready to make the step up but her body too has been given the right amount of time to strengthen the appropriate stabilising muscles and neuron connections to keep her safe.

One of the funniest reassurances of this method came not so long ago when my baby was about 10 months old. I had made the decision, in line with this natural development style, that I would not give her a walker to push to practice her walking. I knew she didn’t need one and I knew that when the time came she would be ready to walk. I had to laugh though, when one evening, I was standing on one side of the kitchen bench when the highchair suddenly started moving across the floor.

When it had moved about 5 metres I could see my baby walking along pushing the chair in front of her. She was obviously ready to start practising and she now pushes any object she can get enough muscle behind to move.

When the time comes for her to take her first unaided steps, I will once again watch in amazement at the sheer brilliance of my child who has mastered one of life’s most fundamental skills without coaching, steering, guiding or pushing, but rather, all on her own. Until then, I am happy to watch her contentedly move around the house by other means, blissfully unaware that she should need to do anything else!

Changing Discipline Methods Brought me Closer to My Daughter

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One of the most significant changes I have made in the way I parent is how I discipline my children. I thought ‘trusting my instincts’ was the way to go but I never stopped to consider how my instincts had been formed in the first place and so I went down a path of strict, ‘do-as-you’re-told’, authoritarian-type parenting only to crash head on into my 1 and a bit year old daughter.

Changing Discipline Methods Has Brought me Closer to my Daughter ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids Continue reading →

Beginning the RIE Parenting Journey

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Ok, so here I am; mum of 2, wife of 1 and teacher of many. Yep, for 12 years I have taught countless children the health benefits of sport and exercise and the intricacies of solving algebraic equations. I was confident in most aspects of my chosen career and found the role of guiding students through these subjects came very naturally with few frustrations.

You could say I was organised in my approach, spending hours creating lessons that would engage students and activate their minds. I could relate well to the students and found many of them came to me for advice and treated me somewhat as their confidante. I was able to listen to them and guide them through their problems.

I always delighted in seeing these students (often they lacked self-confidence and trust in their own ability) come out of their shells over the years of schooling and succeed in reaching the goals they had set, big or small. It was not uncommon for students to return to school, years after finishing, to fill me in on where life had taken them. These were the special moments. The rewards of teaching that made it all worthwhile.

You see, I was not a confident child. I was the child who cried everyday of Kindergarten and Preschool when my Mum dropped me off. I would cry when it was my turn to ‘steal the cookie from the cookie jar’ and I would cry when I had to lie down on the little floor beds to have a rest because I felt embarrassed and vulnerable.

As I grew, I continued to lack confidence in everything I did except for playing sport. It was the only place I felt I could do anything. I guess this steered me down the path of my chosen career. Even as an adult I have some confidence issues when socialising or when speaking out about a subject for fear of criticism from my peers and even as I write this blog, I wonder what people will say and whether they will like it. But this is part of who I am and I have always been able to draw on this to be able to speak with the eyes of compassion to the students I see struggling with the very same issues I had when I was their age. It has never stopped me achieving everything I have wanted in life and if anything, has driven me to try harder to do everything perfectly.

So, when I became pregnant, I was outwardly nervous (as most new Mums would be) but quietly confident in my ability to rise to the challenge. I listened politely as friends, family, colleagues and even strangers warned me about how difficult it was raising children and thanked them for their well-meaning advice and strategies for managing parenthood.

Inside I was thinking, ‘how hard can it really be? I can do this. I am a good teacher; if I can manage to teach upwards of 150 students at any one time and do a reasonable job in steering these young adults through their daily struggles then surely I can manage one little child and guide her through life challenges with poise and confidence . Right?’

Beginning The RIE Journey ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

And so, as my daughter began her life in this beautiful world, I naively began my journey into parenthood. I soon discovered that no amount of teaching, organising or advice could have prepared me for the ride I was about to take. My experiences of parenting have made me question the commonly dished out advice of ‘Trust Your Instincts’ and steered me down the wonderful path of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) whose founder, Magda Gerber, said this

“I believe that, no matter how much and how fast the world changes, a well-grounded, competent, and confident person is best equipped to adapt to it. This is our goal”.
~ Magda Gerber

Confidence. If I could ask for my children to have anything at the end of their childhood, it would be confidence. Confidence to succeed, confidence to fail, confidence to cry, confidence to admit mistakes, confidence in all they do.

Whilst I had succeeded in helping some of my students find the confidence they had needed to forge forwards in their lives, I now had to stop and consider how I could do the same for my own children. Were my instincts good enough? Answers did not come quickly or easily, but over time I have been lucky enough to discover the parenting philosophies of Magda Gerber. A lot of who I am now I owe to a RIE teacher Janet Lansbury whose teachings on Elevating Childcare are simply inspiring.

Beginning the RIE Journey - Confident Lucy

I hope that I too can inspire even just one person through my future blogs, highlighting my personal discovery of RIE and how it has changed my family’s lives.