Monthly Archives: April 2013

Could NOT forcing a toddler to share help with sharing conflicts? (Part One)

When I fell pregnant only five months after my first daughter, L, was born, I was reassured by EVERYONE not to worry because my children would be the best of mates and that whilst the age gap would be initially difficult it would be worth it to see them happily play together when they got past the newborn stages.

It came as quite a disappointment, therefore, when having reached a stage of mobility (about eight months of age) coupled with an inherently curious nature, my youngest daughter, P, came up against enemy number one – her big sister (about 20 months)!

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Six Steps to a Peaceful Toddler Meal Time

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Meal times with toddlers can be stressful. For parents, there is the constant pressure to ensure children are receiving adequate nutrition, which, combined with a toddler’s need to assert their autonomy can lead to anything but a peaceful toddler meal time.

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Helping to Implement RIE in Family Life

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From the time I first discovered RIE to now, I have gone through many anxious moments as a parent. As I have read articles highlighting the ways RIE should be approached in my day to day life, it has been, at times, overwhelming and has made me feel like I have too much to change all at once. At first I found that not a lot came naturally to me. It took a lot of conscious thought on my part to change not only my actions but my wording, my temperament and my tone. It was especially hard for my husband who, although supportive of the approach, did not invest as much of his time into reading and researching it as I did. And also, being a full time worker, he was not always home as I was to practice how to approach the situations as they arose.

It has been roughly 10 months since we adopted the RIE parenting approach and still we are both slowly learning to make it an autonomous skill in our house. We have tried to take it one step at a time, choosing one RIE practice to focus on before changing to another. There were some that came quite easily like allowing developmental milestones to occur naturally and changing the types of toys we had but others required (and still require) much more daily thought and a complete shift in what we had instinctually been doing. Discipline and managing emotions has been one of the most difficult for us to become comfortable with. There are still many times on a daily basis that even I find myself scrambling for words to say to my two year old who has just muscled into my one year old’s position for the third time in 10 minutes, causing her to fall to the ground followed quickly by one child crying and then the other. I know it is important, not only for us, but for our children that we are consistent in our approach to this type of situation so that they feel confident in us as their primary carers and can be secure in the knowledge that we stop them from having this type of power.

I was also finding myself getting frustrated at my husband who regularly used different ways to handle the situations and often I couldn’t stop myself correcting him in front of the children. Not wanting to have the kids see this type of conflict in the house and wanting to have some help finding helpful words at those critical moments, we have decided to put a few pertinent phrases up around the house so we both can refer to them as needed.

Phrases read:
“I wont let you…”
ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS!

In particular, I have focused on phrases we can use when rough situations arise between the girls as this is what is dominating our household at the moment. They have only been up for one day and already they have made a big difference. I feel I can now confidently speak to the children with these words after only a quick reminding glance at the phrases. I had initially thought they would go on the fridge but I quickly realised that they needed to be where the problems were occurring and for us that is mainly in the play area.

Phrases read:
“Are you having a hard time today?”
“Are you upset that Penny’s…?”
“Are you feeling rough towards Penny right now?”
“Big sisters often feel that way. But I’m going to help you…”

Most of these phrases have come from Janet Lansbury’s post, Helping Kids Adjust to Life With the New Baby. I have read and reread this post several times but could never seem to get the phrases to stick in my head to use when I needed to. Now that they are up to refer to, both my husband and I can finally use them more consistently.

The only quote that went on the fridge was a long quote. Janet suggests talking regularly to the older child about how it can be difficult being an older sister. This way they continue to get a sense of your unwavering support and understanding of their predicament. I have placed the quote on the fridge and although wordy, I intend to use it as a reminder to talk to my eldest daughter about her feelings rather than to read it to her word for word.

Quote reads:
“Being a big sister is very hard sometimes. It’s normal to get angry at Penny or at Mum or Dad, feel sad, worried or just be upset and not know why. If you feel any of those things, I want to know. I will always understand and love you and want to help you.”

What things have you done in your household to help create a united front and consistency when using the RIE approach?

Needles Don’t Have to be Traumatic for Children

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When my youngest, Penny, was 4 weeks old, she developed a sudden onset left side facial paralysis. We took her to hospital as soon as we realised what was going on and were told she would need to undergo tests to determine what was causing it. They weren’t sure if she was having a stroke or whether she had a tumour or if it was Bell’s Palsy.

On the night she was admitted I watched on, sobbing as the doctors spent over 20 minutes holding Penny down, trying to insert a cannula into her arm. You see, she was well in every other way and was putting up such a fight that they kept missing the vein and having to retry it as she squirmed around under them.

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When Extreme Emotions Take Over a Toddler

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Beyond the newborn stage, Lucy (2) has never been a great sleeper during the day. She gave up her 2nd day sleep well before the age of one and has been fighting her now one day sleep since about 18 months of age. When I do manage to get her to sleep, she sleeps like a log and it is not uncommon for her to have up to three hours of sleep. If her sleep gets cut short; however, Lucy wakes up like a bear with a sore head! Today was one of those days. We had been out to lunch with her cousins and so, after running around like crazy all afternoon, she fell asleep in the car on the way home. We transferred her successfully into her cot where she continued sleeping peacefully.

After about 45 minutes, something woke her up and she immediately started crying. Thus began an afternoon with a very upset toddler. We tried everything to calm her down. I held her for what seemed like an eternity to allow her time to cry and express some much needed emotion. I sat with her calmly as she would lash out between sobs. I gently asked her to tell me how I could help. It seemed she just could not get it together enough to let me know what was wrong. Fast forward over an hour and Lucy was still extremely fragile. If I said the wrong thing, went to the wrong room, gave her the wrong drink bottle, or tried to move away from where she was, she would lose it. It was getting late and approaching bath and dinner time. My anxiety levels were rising as I knew this was going to be a potentially difficult time for all of us. I knew, though, that I could not let this anxiety show. Lucy needed me to be a rock for her during this tough time. If I could not cope, how could I expect her to cope? I had to stay calm and unphased to show her that even when things hit rock bottom, I would be there for her and love her unconditionally.

Now, when things are going pear shaped with the kids, painting is not normally something I would recommend or indeed try myself but when I asked Lucy what she would like to do, she spotted a paint brush out of the corner of her eye and cried out ‘painting, *sob, sob’. Funnily enough, a friend of mine had sent me a message a week or so ago showing me this great idea for doing painting in the bath tub. So I decided that I would go with it and much to Lucy’s delight I said ‘Yes, lets do some painting’.

Well, you should have seen her little face light up. I think I even heard her exclaim ‘Yippee!’ We collected the paint brushes from the cupboard, found my stash of shaving cream, pulled out the old muffin tin from amongst the baking trays and located all my food colours hiding in the pantry. Lucy could hardly contain her excitement as I carefully filled each muffin hole with shaving foam and then dropped some food colour on top of each one. She called out the colours as I dropped each one in and then watched with amazement as I dropped a little bit of yellow onto the blue dye, making it turn green.

Gone were the dark clouds that had shadowed her afternoon, Lucy was now chomping at the bit to get into her bath. She climbed in with her paintbrush at the ready and engaged in some tongue-out design work all over the bath tub and surrounding tiles. At the end of it, it all easily washed down the drain and I was so surprised at what we had achieved.

In the face of what seemed to be a winless battle, I had held my nerve, stayed present with my little girl when she was in need of help and turned our evening from one of screaming and sobbing to one of joy and laughter. I am once again indebted to Janet Lansbury and RIE for teaching me that my children look to me for guidance in their times of trouble. Where, in the past I might have carried a screaming child into the bath for a quick bath and then straight to bed; tonight I feel I connected with my daughter at a deep level that only a parent can. Throughout her hours of feeling extreme forms of emotion, I showed her that my love for her is unconditional and that it is ok to feel sad, angry and frustrated at times.

When we finally carried Lucy to bed tonight, she was relaxed and happy and rolled over in her cot after our whisperings of ‘good night, We love you’ and we are now hopeful she will sleep peacefully until morning.

Yes, Kate from An Everyday Story, sometimes good things happen when you say ‘Yes!’