Monthly Archives: May 2013

Punitive vs Nurturing Discipline

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Punitive Versus Nurturing Discipline ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

Isn’t parenthood an amazing thing? One minute we’re on cloud nine because our little one has just learned to walk or we’ve made progress with the sharing issue we’ve been having or both children have slept through the night without a single wake up, and the next minute we have hit rock bottom because we’re tired and moody and our children seem to know just the right buttons to press to get a quick and immediate rise out of us. Before I discovered respectful parenting through RIE, my buttons were bold and bright and within easy reach of my children. I would react instantly and without careful thought of what the future consequences might be to my children or my relationship with them. Usually this involved yelling and scolding, sometimes with a light smack just to reinforce my point (or really because I was at a loss for a better way to react). This always ended in tears and slowly, my relationship with my eldest girl (then 18months) deteriorated to the point where she never wanted to cuddle me, even if I had been away for an amount of time. I was so pleased, therefore, to learn of a much more peaceful and respectful way to parent under the guidance of Janet Lansbury’s blog and Facebook page which demonstrates how Magda Gerber’s parenting philosophies should be put in action.

I was impressed by the useful strategies provided by Janet and those contributing to her page and I found I was able to make significant changes to my parenting in a way I never thought possible. The mood in our household was almost instantly changed and even my husband, seeing how amazingly different the children were using these strategies, got on board and started reading and parenting peacefully with me. Recently, however, things took a turn in our household and although I know that what I am going to write about next may receive some criticism, I wanted to share my experience as further proof for the effectiveness and loveliness of RIE parenting.

We have worked hard in our household to create an environment where the children feel loved and supported and where they can play safely with play objects that foster creativity, imagination and problem solving. My two girls have very different personalities and although close in age (13 months) have such different ways of approaching play, that they sometimes find it difficult to play peacefully side by side. Lucy (2.3 years) is an adventurous, high-spirited, fun-loving girl who loves rough and tumble play and anything that is active and uses a lot of energy. She doesn’t tend to sit for long periods of time with one activity but rather will flit from one thing to the next very quickly, enjoying the cause effect relationships of knocking over, tipping out or watching things fly about when she flings her hand back and forwards between them. Penny (1.2 years), however, is a much quieter child. She is happy to fully explore one play object, tipping it upside down, putting things in it, taking them out, dropping it from a height, putting it on her head or putting it up to her mouth and making sounds into it. She too is fun loving but much less adventurous, carefully considering her options before heading into something full steam as Lucy would do. Penny’s patience in her play seems to frustrate Lucy who prefers the excitement of action and drama.

The differences in their personalities, possibly combined with

  • The developmental stage of Lucy
  • The fact I have recently started work and the children have had to start daycare
  • Pent up jealousy issues between the girls (particularly Lucy of Penny)

have led to some pretty intense conflict in our household over the past few weeks.

At first it began with subtle behaviours. Lucy would see Penny standing at the bench playing with something and she would walk over and assume a position beside Penny, slowly using her body to push Penny out of the way so she would fall and leave her activity behind. In these early days, I remained calm in my discipline informing Lucy that I would not let her push Penny and then blocking any future attempts she made to do so.  I also made sure to talk to Lucy about her feelings “Are you feeling rough towards Penny right now?” “I know its hard being a big sister sometimes, I understand and love you but I won’t let you hurt Penny.” This did not seem to deter Lucy, however, and the intensity of her actions against Penny grew over several weeks to the point where Lucy would hit, kick, push or even bite Penny at every opportunity throughout the day. Whether Penny just happened to stroll into Lucy’s play space or was happily playing on the other side of the room, Lucy would make a beeline for her and inflict pain.

Of course, it didn’t take long for Penny to become extremely distressed by these occurrences. She would cry hysterically on each occasion and even if Lucy was just approaching her, she would quickly drop whatever she was doing and try to make a hasty escape. As parents watching this happen, we were distraught. We were trying all we could to stick to the RIE way and discipline calmly with understanding. We changed nap times to limit the time the girls were awake together, we read books with kindness themes and we spoke regularly to both of them about the experiences and feelings they were having. We kept this up for as long as possible until one day, after a particularly hard day with the girls, we made the decision that the discipline we used needed to be amped up.  Although I had been reassured otherwise, I had taken on board warnings from a follower that this type of behaviour in children is akin to abuse and can lead to long term feelings of oppression and fear in the victim. For the emotional and physical safety of Penny, we decided we needed to try a punitive style of discipline with Lucy in the hope that this would make a quick change in her behaviour and Penny would not suffer any longer. Moreover, we were getting so wound up ourselves each time Lucy lashed out that it seemed we could not contain our anger any longer. We justified it to ourselves by the fact that everything else we do with her is respectful and thought we could do a debrief with her once we had reduced the behaviour to a point where we were no longer worried for Penny’s well-being.

So, every time Lucy used an aggressive behaviour towards Penny we would state angrily “I will not let you push/hit/bite Penny. Go to your room.” Each time this would happen Lucy would immediately run off to her room, letting out a very emotional cry as she disappeared down the hallway. We then tended to Penny before heading to Lucy’s room where we would find her sobbing with her ‘bunny’ on her bed. We would speak to Lucy about why she was sent to her room and ask her to come back and say sorry to Penny when she was ready (another break from the RIE recommendation to refrain from forcing an apology from young toddlers).

This went on for a day and a half and our household became an extremely stressful, emotional and unpleasant place to reside. Lucy quickly figured out that all she had to do to get out of her room was to say sorry to Penny and often she had run back to us before we had even made it to her room and blurted out a sorry to Penny on her way past. It was clear, however, that she did not really understand the meaning behind the word as within three minutes of the apology she was once again being aggressive towards Penny. Another day passed and I started feeling like the worst Mum in the world. Lucy’s behaviours were not easing and in fact her emotions and reactions to simple requests were getting more and more extreme. This only lasted one more morning and as I sat communicating to my friend the trials and tribulations of our previous three days with the girls, still trying to justify my actions as being for the sake of Penny’s well being, I started to realise that there had to be a better way. This couldn’t continue because no amount of debriefing was going to provide Lucy with the understanding of why we were treating her like this. She was crying out for help and as parents it was our job to figure out what was going on for her and try to help her.

That afternoon, I took leave from housework. Cooking, cleaning, washing, everything would have to wait. It had dawned on me that we were trying to address the issue of aggression after it had already occurred and Penny had already suffered. This in turn was sparking a huge rise in my husband and myself that manifested in anger towards Lucy. It resulted in a reactive response that went against my own teachings that I wanted to be a ‘rock’ for my daughters, showing them that no matter how bad things got, I could remain calm and my love and support of them would be unwavering. So I got into the girl’s play space. I positioned myself so that I was always within arms reach of Penny. Yes, this meant a lot of moving, following and climbing into things with her. It was not good enough to be sitting on a chair watching them play. I needed to be right there so that when Lucy felt the need to be aggressive towards Penny (and she did) I could be there to block it.

So Lucy would approach and I would be vigilant, using lightening fast reflexes (thank goodness I’m a PE teacher :-)) to physically block Lucy’s hands as they lashed out towards Penny. As I would do this, I would look at Lucy and state calmly ‘I will not let you hit Penny. It can hurt her.” At first she would whinge a little and try a little harder but only for the first couple of times I blocked her. After that, she became much more resigned to my resolve to protect Penny. Meanwhile, Penny continued in her play blissfully unaware that she had very nearly been hit or pushed. The tension in Lucy would often visibly dissolve. It was almost like she was saying “Oh, thank you, Mum. I didn’t want to hurt Penny but I didn’t know what else to do.” I remained vigilant like this for about three or four days. At first I would have to block altercations up to a dozen times in a day but over those days, they became much less regular and finally got to the point where I could leave the girls for short amounts of time to get a tissue or grab a water bottle etc. We are now at the stage where I can leave the girls to play but still monitor vigilantly from a little further away. I have come to recognise little cues in Lucy’s behaviour that make me suspect there is some tension building. For example, her actions become a little more frantic and she starts moving without real purpose. It is then that I move in to block any contact she might try to make with Penny. I still talk regularly to the girls about feelings they may have and how I understand it can be hard for them. I usually finds that this evokes a tender response such as a cuddle which I am always happy to give :).

Throughout this whole period we have come a full circle back to using the RIE approach that we should have adopted right from the beginning. I have learnt without a shadow of a doubt that we are all human after all but I am pleased to report that things have calmed right back down in our household for now. I am absolutely confident that using this strategy, both girls will come out the other side of this phase feeling protected, loved and supported. The difference between punitive and nurturing discipline is the difference between fostering a tense, suspicious relationship with a child and creating a bonding relationship that will allow a child to remain confident always in the love and care they have from their parents. It takes a little more invested time but the rewards are aplenty and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Using RIE Philosophies to Introduce Our Children to Daycare

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Using RIE Philosophies to Introduce our Children to DaycareHaving enjoyed two amazing years staying at home with my two daughters, I recently had to say goodbye to my housemum existence and welcome the workforce back into my life. As any working mum would know, the transition from the home back to work brings with it nervousness, anxiety, guilt, stress and many more negative emotions. But as hard as it is suiting up for that first day back after several years away, it surely can’t begin to compare with the tumultuous upheaval our little ones must go through as they embark on life without Mum (or Dad) for the first time.

Being fairly well-versed on Magda Gerber’s  respectful RIE practises when my girls started daycare three days a week, I tried to make the transition to day care as easy as possible for them. I knew that while it was going to be hard for me to leave them there, I would be much happier knowing that I had taken every step to ease them in gently. These are some of the strategies I adopted to ensure the girl’s time in day care was as low-stress as possible.

1. Carefully choosing a daycare centre.

When we knew we were going to have to start the girls in daycare my husband and I spent a considerable amount of time visiting day care centres, looking for the one that we would feel most comfortable leaving our children with for a large portion of the week. As there are no RIE inspired facilities anywhere near us, we had to use other criteria for selecting the right one. The things we looked for during these visits were:

  • Did the children look happy there?
  • Did the staff interact well with my children (we usually took them with us on the visits)?
  • What types of toys/ activities were available to children? We were looking for a centre with lots of open ended toys or activities that encouraged problem solving and creativity etc. A centre full of plastic, electronic toys was disregarded as we wanted our children to be able to use their imaginations with the toys, not have them entertained by them.
  • What outdoor space did the children have access to? Was it natural with grass and gardens or was it sterile with fake turf so the children wouldn’t get dirty? It was important to us that the children be able to enjoy the gifts that nature offers on a daily basis. We wanted them to be able to feel the dirt beneath their feet and to explore all the textures and sensory experiences that trees, plants and gardens provide.
  • Were the staff interested in our parenting practices so they could offer some consistency to the girls going from home to day care? I know that one of the difficulties children can have when coping with a change such as this is that they learn to expect certain behaviours, responses and limits from their parents at home and it is inevitable that these will all differ from those at daycare. This can be confusing for a child and can cause anxiety when they are not sure how they should be acting etc.

2. Going through some of the main ideals of RIE approaches with the centre staff.

Prior to the girls starting at daycare, I spent a good deal of time with the two main carers that would be looking after the girls. We were lucky, in that being so close in age, that they were in the same room together and therefore would have the same two staff members caring for them on a daily basis. I took the carers articles posted by Janet Lansbury which they were both more than willing to read and practise. I also had the luxury of being able to stay with the girls on their first days at daycare for the best part of the day. This way, the carers could see how I interacted with the girls, showing them respectful practises such as informing the girls before picking them up, talking them through a nappy change and giving them opportunities to work through their frustrations without stepping in prematurely.

3. Speaking to the girls prior to going to daycare about what to expect.

In an effort to help the girls feel like they hadn’t been abandoned in their first days at day care, I decided to talk to the girls about what it would be like at daycare. I told them how in the morning we would all eat breakfast together and then pack our bags for the day. I told them that Daddy and I would have our work bags whilst they would have their school bags (later dubbed ‘playschool’ bags). I then explained that I would drive them to ‘playschool’ and take them into their room and put their bags in the bag rack. I told them that once they were settled in, I would give them a big, big cuddle and a kiss and tell them I loved them and would be back in the afternoon to pick them up. I was careful to let them know that Dad or I would not be with them for most of the day because we had to work. I repeated this several times prior to the day, in the hopes that they would be somewhat empowered by knowing their new daily schedule, knowing what to expect.

4. Ensuring I leave plenty of time at drop offs.

I expected that, in the initial stages of daycare, there would be a certain amount of protestation at drop off. In fact, I would have been a little hurt if there wasn’t!! And sure enough, tears came in abundance for the first little while. I wanted to be sure that I could stay for long enough at drop offs to acknowledge the girls’ feelings about being upset. I wanted to say to them ” I know you are upset that I have to leave. It is normal to feel sad when I can’t stay with you. I will be back in the afternoon to pick you up.” I would always follow this with a big, big cuddle and a kiss and an “I love you”. I also made sure that if they were to continue crying after I had left, the carers would continue to acknowledge their feelings and allow the girls to cry for as long as they needed without using distractions to make them feel happy.

5. Debriefing: Acknowledging to the girls how difficult it must be for them to be separated from Mum and Dad.

Even after following the first four carefully thought out steps above, it seemed that Lucy was not settling into daycare as well as I thought she would. Whilst, she did not always cry at drop off, she regularly cried when she first saw me at pick ups. I would often stand for a couple of minutes when I arrived just watching the girls play, trying to get an insight into their time away from me and how they were really going. As I would watch Lucy, I noticed that whilst she played well with the other children, she rarely smiled or laughed and it seemed like she was just going through the motions, pausing occasionally to look around as though she had lost something (or someone). When she finally noticed my presence, her tears would be instant, almost like she had held them in all day to put on the brave face she thought she had to and then finally letting them go when she saw me.

It was heartbreaking to watch but unfortunately we had no choice; we could not afford to live off just my husband’s wage, so I had to work. I knew though, that I had to try to help the girls more with their transition to life in daycare. I always tried to speak positively about their time at ‘Playschool’. On the way there I would ask “What are you going to do today, girls?” “Do you think you might do some painting?” I wonder who will be there today to play with?” etc and on the way home “What did you do at playschool today girls?” Did you do some painting?” “That must have been fun”. Who did you play with?” etc.

This didn’t seem to help, however, and Lucy was beginning to act out at home with periods of extreme emotion following a daycare day becoming a very common occurrence. I spoke to the centre staff about any incidences that might be causing some anxiety and they told me that occasionally Lucy would cry for seemingly no reason but that she would be ok once they started a new activity. They said that she was generally quiet and just went about her business, enjoying painting and drawing and other craft activities. But with the tantrums at home becoming more extreme and frequent I was at the point where I was talking to my husband about what other ways we could think of for making ends meet so the girls didn’t have to be in daycare.

Then, one night as I fought with an unslept, extremely emotional two year old as I tried to dress her for bed, I said to her “Lucy, did you have a hard time at Play School today?” This simple question stopped her mid scream and she quickly sobbed out a “yeaahhh”. I continued “Did you miss Mummy and Daddy when you were at playschool?” She stopped fighting me and just lay on the bed looking at me, taking in my acknowledgement of her feelings. I went on to say “It must be hard for you to be without Mummy and Daddy for the day. We both have to go to work sometimes so Katelyn and Nicarla (carers) have to look after you instead. I really miss you too. Would you like me to cuddle you for a while?” She immediately climbed up to me and I held her until she broke the silence and stillness that followed.

The rest of the nightly bedtime routine went without incident and the following day there seemed to be a shift in moods as we embarked on our trip to daycare. Lucy was telling me she was going to see Katelyn and Nicarla as well as a number of other little friends she listed off. When I picked her up in the afternoon, she was happy to see me and there were no signs of tears. But when I tried to get her strapped into her car seat she began testing limits and would not get in. She had some pent up emotion that she needed to get rid of and wanted to fight me. I recognised her need quickly and responded with “Did you have a hard day today at Playschool.” Almost instantly her fighting stopped and continuing my acknowledgement that it is very difficult to be separated from me for the day and that she missed me and wished I could have been with her, I was able to calmly buckle her into her seat.

Over the next few days and weeks, we occasionally experienced outbursts and limit testing from Lucy after her days in care. It always amazed me, however, how quickly she responded to having her feelings heard and recognised. She just needed us to see that it was a hard time for her. She didn’t care that they painted or made play dough or built castles, she just wanted her mum and dad and couldn’t understand why we suddenly weren’t there. The need to do this last step is now quite rare but it is always at the back of my mind if either of the girls seems to be a little ‘off’ after being in daycare for the day.

In an ideal world, I would not send my children to daycare but with reality taking over this family, I am just pleased that I have the benefit of using Magda Gerber’s amazing philosophies on parenting to make this necessary change to our lives as easy as possible on us all.