Monthly Archives: July 2013

Our Weekly Play: Week 3

It has been a busy week here as I had to work four of the five working days meaning Lucy (2.4 years) and Penny (1.3 years) were in daycare for three days this week. On weeks like these I always feel particularly guilty for not spending much time with the girls so I try to make up for that by being extra present with them when we are together. We nearly always (weather permitting) go to the park when I pick them up from daycare and run off any ill feelings that may have crept in over the course of the day. It has become a favourite time for the girls and I as we explore different parks around our beautiful city and seems to make the guilt of leaving them in care for the day somewhat lift.

3 Lucy tractor

Because anything that’s not working, Daddy fixes 🙂

 

3 Penny park

I love the tranquil nature of my one year old. She seems to take the time to stop and absorb all around her, fully examining and investigating everything before she is satisfied to move on. I often wonder whether this is just her personality or whether it can be attributed to her RIE upbringing. She has never been made to rush through a playground or plopped on one object after another but rather left to determine what she would investigate, when she would investigate and for how long. When she was much younger this often meant she literally hung around just one very mundane seeming piece of equipment, content to use it in her own way and in her own time. I never found this ‘boring’ to watch as some people complain. It was always such a joy as her Mum to see her little cogs ticking over as I picked up the deep thought processes she was going through in this time.

3 potato peeler

I have always been fascinated by the Montessori approach to learning and although I am by no means a fully committed participant, I am beginning to take on more and more of its philosophies in the girl’s daily routines. Apart from the enormous developmental and learning benefits it provides the girls, I made a conscious decision recently that for sanity sake I was far better working with the girls than against them. So now when they are pestering me and hanging off my legs at dinner time, instead of trying to redirect them to their toys or use the TV, I put them to work on a task suitable to their age and stage to help me get the dinner done. Penny is great at pouring and putting things into bowls or on plates etc whilst Lucy enjoys the physical tasks such as peeling, grating or chopping. It has certainly reduced the stress levels around meal times and we all really enjoy working cooperatively together.

3 Penny bakes

Penny is just over one but still enjoys being involved in helping with daily chores. Both girls routinely help me unload the dishwasher in the morning and then load the dirty breakfast plates afterwards.

3 cutting watermelon

Lucy cuts things for me everyday using both sharp and blunt knives and we have never had a cut finger (touch wood). It always amazes me that her sense of self preservation kicks in here and prevents her throwing the knife or using her frantic hands that she frequently uses in most other tasks.

3 shaving cream bath

Penny rarely gets to engage in creative play by herself. Lucy will often do painting and craft activities whilst Penny in sleeping and if the girls both do it together, before long the activity is being monopolised by Lucy with Penny regularly having her paintbrush taken or swapped or directed to try something different to what she is doing by her big sister. This can be incredibly frustrating for Penny who, as I mentioned before, is quite deliberate in her actions and seems to have certain plans and goals of her own that she can not verbalise and is not quite strong enough to follow when these alterations to her schedule occur. So, I decided to give Penny a chance to express her creativity freely this week by giving the girls separate baths and giving each of them their own tray of shaving cream paints and brushes to use as they’d like. I believe I could have left Penny in that bath until all heat had dissipated and her lips were blue from cold. She loved it! Will definitely be figuring out some more ways to allow her some independent craft and paint time in the future.

3 dirt pit

I decided to incorporate some dirt play in the girl’s play this week. I had read a quote somewhere recently which stated simply ‘A dirty kid is a happy kid’. This struck a little cord in me because I know my children are happy playing in dirt and getting as messy as they can. Normally, however, they are trying to do it as we walk through a park or are on our way out somewhere and they start digging in someone’s garden which can often be stressful as I worry about them pulling up plants etc as they explore. So as I mused over this during my lessons supervising in a high school, I decided to set up a dirt pit in the backyard, dress the kids in their Sunday worst and then let them go for it. I was then really sadly shocked that my completely destructive and messy two year old played in the dirt for about 5 minutes before asking to have her hands washed. She started to get quite concerned about the dirt that was on her hands and feet. It made me think that maybe I have been a little restrictive in allowing them to get dirty over what has been a pretty hectic period of time here. I am determined to keep this dirt pit going and let the girls break through all hesitations and become complete dirt monsters. I’m on the lookout for a mud kitchen at an op shop that I could use as an accompaniment to the dirt pit.

So… an interesting and revealing week here. I am really enjoying this blog series at the moment. It is making me really analyse the girls’ play and look more closely at how I can tailor it to their personalities as well as their interests. Thank you again for following and as always I’d love to hear from you or answer any questions you may have.

The Day I Scared My Child

Too loud lucy

Ever since I first learned about RIE, I knew that that was the type of parent I wanted to be. I loved how I could empower my children simply by respecting them as the whole people they are and trusting that they are completely capable of developing and learning at their own pace and in their own time. My biggest problem, however, has been letting go of the parent I was and ignoring many of the reflexive instincts that seem to pop up all the time. This is particularly true when my children have periods of testing behaviour.

Before RIE I was a parent with very high expectations for my children. I wanted them to be exemplary in everything; from their development, to how they played, to the manners they used. I would often chastise them when they would do something that I deemed was not acceptable behaviour thinking that it was important that they associated negative feelings with this sort of behaviour from an early age so that they would avoid repeating it in the future. Funnily enough, my hard line approach to dealing with these issues did absolutely nothing to change their behaviour and served only to make it exciting enough for them to repeat and at the same time, drove a bigger wedge between us all. As emotions and feelings got to boiling point in this household we were extremely lucky to discover a much more peaceful way of parenting and in doing so, reconnect with our children and be rewarded with that lovely feeling that our children truly trust us to cope with the developmental turmoil that they face on a daily basis.

I still find, though, that on occasion my patience is so tested that I snap. This happened to me recently and the events that followed were so profound that I feel like I may be somewhat on the road to being cured of my former parenting tendencies.
Lucy (2.4 years) and I were playing in the rumpus room whilst her younger sister was having a nap. Over the previous few days I had begun to implement a little routine with the girls to encourage them to take responsibility for their toys by helping me tidy up after them. So if Lucy was playing with an activity such as cutting up little pieces of paper, when she was finished and made a move to find something else to do I would remind her that she had dropped some of the paper on the floor and she needed to help me pick it up before moving on. Often times she was happy to do this and we would enjoy working together to pick it all up and place it in the bin or a little jar etc.

So on this particular day, Lucy had been sorting through a jar of buttons and had ultimately tipped the whole jar onto the floor. She enjoyed running her hands through the buttons and picking up handfuls and watching them spill out of her hands back down on the pile.

Now, for whatever reason, 90% of the time when Lucy finishes exploring an activity, any activity-painting, rice play, eating, block building etc, she uses what I call ‘frantic hands’ to disperse her activity as far over the floor or table or room as she can before promptly getting up and walking away. This has always been a huge patience tester for me as you can imagine the mess for what seems, at the time, to be a pointless destructive act whereby she is not even interested in the task afterwards (although I know it is not and is just how she plays).

Usually I am able to remain calm and accept that this is part of Lucy’s play and somehow satisfies a need she has. Implementing the routine of tidying up afterwards has also really helped me accept this behaviour as I know that she has to be responsible for the mess she makes and not just leave it for me to clean.  So after Lucy had clearly finished with her buttons and had, as usual, dispersed them over a significant area of the room, I reminded her that we now needed to pick them up and pop them back in the jar. Her response was ‘you pick them up, Mummy’ to which I replied ‘I would like you to help me pick them up’.

For the next 6-7 minutes I tried all manner of peaceful coercion to attempt to have her pick them up with me. I suggested a particular colour she might like to pick up, I made a small area for her to focus on wondering if the task seemed too big (which I think it did in hindsight) and I let her know that I would not let her play with her other toys until the buttons were picked up.

All the while, as her defiance built, I could feel my patience waning. I felt I should probably just let it go and spend 2 minutes doing it myself but it was like I was too far into it and didn’t want to back down from my stance. Finally, I managed to get her to come back to the buttons and she dropped a handful in the jar which she promptly tipped out again. I kept calmly reminding her that all the buttons needed to go back in the jar etc etc and then, as I watched her use her frantic hands once more to further fling the buttons across the room, all the while giving me a very cheeky smirk, I snapped!

I was sitting about 30cm from her and shouted ‘I will NOT let you throw the buttons across the room! Now pick them up and put them in the jar!. Now this was a voice that I had not used in a long time. It was loud, it was angry. I had reached my boiling point and I had gone from zero to a hundred on the calm meter in a matter of milliseconds.

Lucy immediately stopped what she was doing and in her crouched position in the middle of the buttons, head firmly pointed down to the floor she picked up one button and dropped it in the jar. She reached for another and did the same, followed by another. Then a little shattered voice came out whilst her eyes remained fixed down to the floor ‘That was too loud, Mummy!’. It’s making me teary even as I write this. The cry that came out after she uttered those words were as distressed as if I had hit her. In one moment of weakness I had shattered the trust that my little girl has in me to be her rock. I held her then for what seemed like an eternity, letting her cry and trying to stifle my own sobs. When she began to settle, I tried to explain why I had shouted, that I had been frustrated and a bit angry. I am not sure what she thought about this or if it was even the right thing to do but we both settled down.

I did think then that maybe after that she would pick the buttons up with me because she had been frightened by my reaction, but no. She wanted nothing to do with the buttons and so I ended up picking most of them up by myself. When there were only a few stray ones left, she wandered back over and exclaimed, here’s one Mummy and popped it in the jar. She did this until all the buttons were back in the jar and then pushed the lid on top. We put them away and Lucy then played by herself, still unsure about me and our relationship.

It’s astonishing to me that it took my two year old child to tell me in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t like it when I get ‘too loud’. I have been preaching this to myself for quite a while but hadn’t quite let go of the thought that maybe a tiny bit of hard discipline couldn’t hurt. I now know that it is better for my children for me to rise above my own moods and
I am learning to recognise the catalysts that lead to such a melt down. Usually it’s a mixture of the following:

1. One or more days of particularly testing behaviour

2. Two or three bad sleeps or broken sleeps

3. A dash of hormonal moodiness

When all these things align I realise that my fuse shortens. I am now trying to ensure that in these situations, I look after myself a little. I reduce the ‘messy play’ activities Lucy has access to and spend more time with the girls out of the house in parks and forests etc. It is important to me that I keep my daughters’ trust. I want them to be able to come to me when times are tough, not just now but in the future. By recognising my triggers, I hope to ensure that in my daughters’ eyes I can cope with everything they throw at me.

Too loud leaf play

Our Week in Play: Week 2

We have enjoyed another busy week of playing and exploring. I hope you enjoy looking through some of our photos.

Tong Transferring ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

Lucy absolutely loves transferring different things using her little tongs. It is so wonderful that you can get small, child sized versions of many household items these days. It must feel so empowering for our littlies to master skills they see us using everyday, all on their own. I can really see how much Lucy cherishes her accomplishment in this and is even now attempting to pass on her knowledge to her little sister by constantly showing Penny how they work. Continue reading

Our Week In Play: Week 1

I really enjoy writing about my experiences of RIE parenting but I wanted to highlight another side to my parenting which is inspired by the works of Maria Montessori (Montessori Approach) and Loris Malaguzzi (Reggio Emilia Approach).

I should also add here that I acquire many of my ideas from a wonderful blog called An Everyday Story written by my friend, Kate, who is an amazing mother of two equally amazing children. Her thoughtful play invitations and inquiry based projects have always resonated with the types of experiences I want to offer my children.

I love how she remains in tune with her son’s (4) and daughter’s (2) interests and provides rich experiences which not only teaches them basic facts about life, but also models the processes of learning by which they can obtain that knowledge. It is plainly clear to see that she is fostering an immense love of learning in her children both creatively and analytically and it is very hard not to be inspired by the wonderful things that she does. Continue reading

Allowing Children to Play for Their Age and Stage

One of my most favourite and rewarding RIE practises centres around the notion that, in play, children are entirely capable of achieving their own goals at their own pace often without the need for demonstration or guidance. My understanding and appreciation of this has developed over time and as I have withdrawn my desire to show the girls what to do with an activity, toy or task, I have witnessed a lovely spike in confidence and countless beaming smiles as they have engaged in play in the way they wish to, without the expectation to do it right!

Although I could probably write a novel of short stories describing examples of how letting my girls discover their own play style has produced inspiring results, I have chosen just a couple of recent examples to share with you.

A few weekends back, my husband and I took our girls (Lucy, 2.4 years and Penny, 1.3 years) to visit their Granny in Brisbane (our nearest capital city). Being from a smaller town, we love taking the girls to see the amazing sights a big city has to offer so it wasn’t long before we had packed our bags and headed off for an excursion to the City’s cultural playground which houses an art gallery, museum, Science Centre and the State Library amongst other things. There is far too much to take in on one day so we settled for just the museum and the State Library on this particular day. Of course the children LOVED the museum with all it’s beautiful animal exhibits and lovely interactive displays but it wasn’t until we got to the Library that I was truly able to see the benefits of letting the children discover their own play.

It just so happened that the Library at the time had a fantastic sound display for children consisting of musical instruments fashioned from ordinary household goods as well as a mini dance floor surrounded by curtains. Among the amazing contraptions the children were invited to interact with was a vacuum cleaner trumpet, a xylophone style instrument made from hanging spoons and forks, a thong-a-phone and a washboard table with drumsticks. The girls were overwhelmed with the choices and possibilities initially. The first thing they discovered was the dance floor. With its flashing lights and cubby like set up, it was always going to be a big attraction. Lucy headed straight onto it, grabbing the head phones from the rack and donning them before ditching them in favour of ‘chasing the lights’ on the floor.

IMG_3350

Penny walked tentatively across the floor, ignoring the headphones and the flashing lights and walked straight into the curtains where she played peek-a-boo, hiding in them and running through them for a long period of time. I sat nearby and watched them go. Whilst I did so I watched several other excited children enter the space with their parents in toe. They directed their toddlers to the headphones and popped them on their heads before standing with them and imitating their children’s bopping motion as many of them do.

I have absolutely no problem with this and in fact, pre RIE I was exactly the same, always wanting to show my kids what they are supposed to be doing. As it went on though, I sat there watching as Penny played happily in the curtains, exploring and discovering whilst several family groups came and went. I detected a pattern of behaviour whereby, those children that had been directed to do as the display intended, lasted in the area for less than a minute whilst those who were left to discover for themselves, played for a much longer time.

One particular incident had me feeling quite sorry not just for the child but for the parent too. This little boy, slightly older than Penny but less than two (I’m guessing) entered the dance floor with his parents and saw Penny hiding in the folds of the curtain. Ignoring the lights and headphones (much like Penny) this boy headed straight to another set of hanging curtains that encircled the floor but just before he got his little hand on one, his Dad grabbed his arm and redirected him back to the headphones, fitting them on his head and then bopping in front of him, showing him how to dance. The toddler, understandably was less than impressed and wriggled out of the headphones, throwing himself to the floor in objection when he was prevented from going into the curtains once again. The child was then helped from the floor by his Mum who then directed him out of the play area and out of the library.

Now, admittedly, I do not know any of the circumstances of this family which could have led to the decisions they made that day but I couldn’t help but wonder whether their need to provide their son with as many of life’s experiences as possible had made them overlook their child’s basic desire to explore and investigate in his own way, developing his own chosen experiences along the way.

Once Penny had left the dance area to delve deeper into the other delights on offer, I watched in fascination as she carefully considered her options. I repositioned myself so I was central to both her and Lucy and enjoyed several moments watching both girls move from object to object, gathering in information from each before they would eventually settle on the one that would resonate with them the most.

From my position I had a great vantage point for viewing the washboard table drum designed so children would run a drumstick along the board and tap the hanging metal plates like cymbals. The effect was lovely but as I sat I was amazed that not just some but all children who chose to climb onto the stool and partake in a little noise making were shown what to do by their parents. I’m not talking just little toddlers either; there were children there that would have had to be 5 or 6 who were not trusted to explore and play independently. Parents all over could not resist showing the children how to run the drumstick over the corrugated surface to make a sound. I pondered whether they might have discovered how to use it for themselves if given a little time. Interesting to note here was that the average lasting time at this particular display was less than 30 seconds.

After a little bit, Penny approached the this table and put her hands on the stool trying once to pull herself up before realising it was a little too high for her. So instead, she reached up and grabbed the drumstick. She then started hitting it on the stool, making little tapping noises. She then noticed that there was a little decorative hole cut out of the middle of the seat of the stool. She put her fingers of her free hand into it before peering in to have a look where it led. She then poked the drumstick into the hole carefully until it was almost all the way in and then removed it. She repeated this experiment about a dozen times before accidently (it seemed) dropping the drumstick into the hole. She peeked anxiously in after it and spotted it down on the floor. This started a whole new period of discovery for her whereby she would drop the stick in the hole then bend down and retrieve it before repeating over and over.

Her intense concentration was only broken by another child who came over to join in the game, peering into the hole after Penny had dropped the stick through. The girl’s mother was close behind and was careful not to let her daughter take the stick from Penny. Penny was finished though and happily offered up the stick to the girl who tried to poke the stick in the hole like Penny was doing but was promptly picked up and sat on the stool by her Mum and shown how to run the drumstick up and down the wash board.

If I could have sent a subliminal message to all those parents that day it would have been to do some research into RIE. Whilst I know that there are many many lovely parents and styles of parenting which are far removed from RIE and which still produce beautiful children, I know that the joy and satisfaction I experience in allowing my children to play at their own level and to have ownership over their play has got to be greater than having to constantly redirect children to play ‘properly’.

Another experience happened here at home, just the other day. It was a cold and rainy day, one not really conducive to letting the kids run around outside. I decided to set up some sticky collage play for Lucy whilst Penny slept. Whilst she was ‘cooking’ in her ‘kitchen’ I discretely stuck some contact paper upside down on her art table. I added some containers of collage material including cut up paper, material, buttons, confetti stars and puff balls and left it all there for her to discover. I had seen this activity set up on an internet site and thought it would be a great one for Lucy who has a short fuse and can get quite frustrated when trying to use glue with loose parts for normal collage work. I had certain expectations (based on the site) and thought this might be an activity that would keep her engaged for a significant amount of time. (Just as a side note, Lucy is not really renowned for her attention skills, I believe, as a result of being ‘entertained’ a lot through her first 18 months of life, prior to my discovery of RIE.) So this is how things unfolded.

Lucy discovered the invitation to play.

IMG_3536She slowly investigated the confetti stars discovering that they stuck nicely to the contact.

IMG_3540She then upended each of the containers one at a time onto the contact making a big pile in one spot.IMG_3543

IMG_3545She then discovered that this pile was not all stuck to the contact so she grabbed handfuls of the loose parts from the pile and dropped them over the edge of the table, watching them as they floated to the floor.

IMG_3547It took all my strength not to leap in and stop her doing this; to redirect her back to the task I had so carefully prepared for her. But to her, at her age and stage, this was play, this was experimentation, discovery and fun all in one. It didn’t look how I expected it to but she didn’t know that, I hadn’t told her and she was very happy and proud of her achievement.

I believe the RIE road is such a rewarding one and I love to reflect on experiences such as this and feel that overwhelming sense of gratefulness that I am able to now enjoy such moments in parenting rather than stress that my children are not on the right track or experiencing the right things. I would love to hear some other stories like this from parents who have experienced the same thing. Feel free to post in the comments below.