Monthly Archives: June 2014

5 Steps to a Peaceful Day Care Drop Off

day care drop off 3

Recently, Miss 3 has begun to demonstrate significant separation anxiety at her day care drop offs. She becomes clingy, and desperately upset when I tell her I am leaving for work.

I know this type of separation anxiety is extremely common and although difficult to experience, I have taken some comfort in the fact that she genuinely feels she needs me and would rather be with me than in the care of others.

I also know, however, that I need to help more with her transition into care. It has been getting increasingly more difficult for me to get away on time and her stress levels must also be through the roof. Continue reading

Staying Calm With Children: 5 Practical Tips

Staying calm with children can be extraordinarily difficult at times. It seems our children are wired to wind us up until we snap. Many parents, including myself, strive to be mindful and considered in our parenting choices but in one moment of distraction it is easy to find ourselves being triggered and unable to stop the barrage that results.

5 Practical Tips for Staying Calm With Children ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

For respectful parenting to work, it is vital that parents are able to keep a cool and as my mentor, Janet Lansbury, says, ‘unruffled’ exterior when dealing with a child’s behaviour – that, for me, is the hard part. It sometimes takes all my strength, determination and most of all self-belief to achieve this but I can truly attest to the fact that my children respond far better and thrive the most when I am consistently able to steady myself and keep a peaceful yet firm exterior when they push me to my limits.

The days I am feeling sluggish, stressed or overwhelmed by accumulating housework are usually the days my tolerance levels are lowest. Coincidentally (or not), these days also usually happen to be the days my children seem especially clingy, whingey, demanding and testing!

When I have my own agenda for the day; things I am trying to achieve around the house, this is when I find myself less tolerant and less able to stay calm and accepting of difficult behaviours.

So I have, over time, developed practices which all contribute to me being more mindful, less stressed and better able to remain the peaceful parent I strive to be.

1. Mentally prepare for the day ahead

I do this by reading inspiring blog posts or a chapter of a great parenting book or listening to a motivating podcast. I am usually woken early in the morning by my children so I normally do this the night before, resolving to put into practice, a new technique or idea I have read the next day. Often just reading a success story or a profound Janet Lansbury post is enough to help me stay confident in my parenting throughout the day.

I write inspiring words or helpful phrases in the notebook beside my bed.

In the morning, I quickly scan these notes and I remind myself how important it is that I stay on top of my emotions and parent calmly throughout the day. Being conscious of my actions rather than just drifting mindlessly through the day really helps me stay focused on the role I have taken on. Like an actor in a play I guess.

Much of this mental preparation is centered around shifting my perspectives of the behaviours. Educating myself about the reasons behind challenging behaviours such as limit testing and tantrums really helps me to deal with them with more empathy when they occur.

2. Prepare meals on the weekend

Freeing up time during the day so I am not stressed about trying to get dinner made by a deadline with children either clinging to me or trashing something elsewhere in the house, is invaluable.

I now try to prepare the week’s meals on Sundays whilst my husband is home to help with the children. This way the weight of this daily chore is lifted. Instead I can use the week days to invite the girls into the kitchen to help, inspiring in them a love of food and cooking as we bake and create healthy goodies together with no stress or pressure to achieve a goal.

3. Make lunches and snacks at breakfast

When my husband is eating toast with the children at breakfast, I often make lunch for him to take to work. It occurred to me one day that it would be little extra effort to do the same for my children. So I bought them both lunch boxes with separate compartments for snacks, sandwiches etc and now I fill their boxes ready to pull out when hunger strikes.

So often I have been caught out having nothing prepared and having to scramble something together whilst my children bite chunks out of the cheese, dip their fingers in the butter or cry because I am not doing it the right way. And if I go to the kitchen whilst they are occupied with something else, they inevitably choose this moment to do something that demands my attention.

My stress levels increase and I sometimes have a hard time staying calm in such moments. Having everything pre-made eliminates this occurrence and also means the kitchen only needs clearing once, after breakfast, because I am not continually preparing food and dirtying dishes.

These Yumbox Original lunch boxes (affiliate link) are fantastic for organising the snacks into containers and keeping them all together. The kids love them!

4. Use care giving moments to connect

The realisation that my babies will all too soon be old enough to take care of themselves and no longer need me to look after them hit me like a tonne of bricks recently. I already knew that care giving tasks were precious bonding occasions but when I truly cherish each one, not only do my children feel more connected and better able to break away from me for extended play periods, I get my own feelings of love, joy and a sense of calm come over me when I give myself fully to my children for periods throughout the day. This further steadies my resolve to parent my children with care.

5. Reflect on the day

This is probably the most effective practice I use for becoming a more mindful, peaceful parent. There is rarely a day go by where I don’t discuss with my husband, a situation involving the children which occurred during the course of the day.

I recount blow by blow, the events leading up to the situation, the dialogue used and the ultimate outcome. Through this reflection I can think, without the pressure of the moment, and decide whether I could improve upon or change my involvement for future occurrences or whether it seemed to be quite successful as it was.

My blog writing further cements this reflection for me as I get the sense that by putting things down on paper, I am owning my actions and becoming more accountable.

I am also given so many opportunities to answer questions from readers which contributes to my reflective practice. It makes me think about scenarios that could come up for us as a family and how I would like to deal with them. It takes out some of the element of surprise, ensuring I am not having to always think on my feet with my own children.

Joining online forums and groups with like-minded parents, is also a great way to read about other people’s dilemmas and give you a chance to think about what you might do in that situation.

These are just a few of the things I have found have helped me remain the peaceful parent I am determined to be. I’m interested to hear what you do to stay unruffled when your children become challenging throughout the day.

You may also enjoy reading:

Tantrums and Meltdowns – My Secrets For Staying calm When The Kids Aren’t ~ Janet Lansbury (Janet Lansbury- Elevating Childcare)

9 Best Ways to Stay (Mostly) Unruffled With Toddlers ~ Janet Lansbury (Janet Lansbury- Elevating Childcare)

Self Soothing (It’s Not Just For Babies) ~ Christina Kessler (Respectful Caregiving)

5 Practical Tips for Staying Calm With Children ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids

Toddler Tantrum Therapy

Toddler Tantrum Therapy - Peaceful parents, Confident KidsTantrums in shopping centres are never good but much good can come of them. When a toddler tests limits it can be a sure sign they are in need of an emotional release. Time for some healing therapy.

We had one of these today. A big one. In the past, this was the type of tantrum that would result in me either losing it and joining in my toddler’s tantrum with my own screams and shouts or giving in to my toddler’s desire just to keep the peace and restore calm. But not today. Today I donned my Supermum cape to support my child through her strong feelings, ignoring the stares of onlookers and managing to calmly and confidently lead my child out of the centre and back to her own peaceful equilibrium.

We arrived at the shopping centre fairly early in the morning for the soul purpose of playing on the indoor play equipment. It has been recently set up for children five and under and consists of mostly soft play including a padded adventure climb, slide and a small immobile car with steering wheel.

The children adore playing here and there is often only two or three other families using it so it is never crowded and best of all it’s free. There are a number of rules sign posted which are fairly typical for the protection of both the children and the equipment. For a number of reasons I am a bit of a stickler for rules – 1. because I’m a teacher and 2. because I really appreciate having the use of this area and would like to see it preserved into the future so we can continue to enjoy it.

So I have always requested my children remove their shoes before playing (as per the rules) even though many other children do not. The girls had no problem taking off their shoes when we first arrived and even after a trip to the toilet and back again, there were no protests. But when we once again had to don our shoes for another toilet stop a relatively short time later, Penny was adamant her shoes were not coming back off.

I could kind of see her point. It must have seemed to her a waste of precious play time especially seeing she was not the one needing the toilet each time. But the rules remained and if she wanted to continue to play, she was going to need to remove them. Initially, she simply ignored the instruction and stepped into the play area. I restrained her gently and restated the expectation, “If you would like to play on the equipment you need to take your shoes off.”

She tried to wriggle free from me as her cries of protest began to escalate. I acknowledged, “You don’t want to take your shoes off again” and repeated, “I can’t let you go in there with your shoes on.” She fought hard and I carefully released my grip so she could have some space on the floor to voice her anger and frustration.

I stayed close by to let her know I heard her anguish and understood. She was not open to any words of comfort and eventually crawled under the table away from me and continued tantruming there.

I let her be. I stayed where I was and resolved to let it run its own course whilst keeping my eye on her older sister who was happily playing.

A short while later a ball rolled under the table to Penny which momentarily distracted her from her emotions. She crawled out with it and I asked her to hand it back to the small boy who had thrown it out of his pram. She did so willingly and then crawled back under the table to resume her cries. But the moment was lost by the distraction and she couldn’t get back to the intensity of the release she had been having previously.

I guessed that her emotional release had not been complete and predicted further upsets were abound so decided that now would be a good time to head home. I called to her sister, Lucy, that we would be leaving in five minutes and then explained to Penny we would be leaving soon and if she would like a quick play before we went she needed to do so now.

Having given up on her outburst she considered my proposal. She headed towards the play area slowly. She stopped at the entrance and looked at me, testing the limit to see if I had changed my mind about her shoes. I said, “You will need to take your shoes off to play in there.” She whinged but remained steady. She knew I would not change my mind on this limit and was weighing up the effectiveness of continuing the test. She took one more step inside and I repeated, “I won’t let you go in there with your shoes on.” She sat down and removed her shoes, seeking help when one got stuck.

She then made her way to where her sister was playing in the car whilst I collected her shoes and put them in the pram. Within 20 seconds I heard familiar shouts of anger and frustration. My children had come to blows. I looked over and saw Penny trying to push her way into the car whilst her sister remained steadfast in her seat.

They both screamed as they tried to assert themselves to each other. I moved over swiftly but calmly and used my arms and hands to block swipes and prevent pushes as I stated, “Lucy you are in the car and Penny wants to hop in with you. It seems like you are not finished yet.”

The screams escalated as Penny managed to manoeuvre herself onto the seat beside Lucy. I explained to the girls that if they couldn’t work it out we would need to go home now. The screams and pushes continued so I then said, “It seems too difficult for you to come to a solution so we will head home.”

With both children quite upset I made the decision to pick them up and take them to the pram. I placed Penny down whilst I buckled (a calming) Lucy in. Penny threw herself on the ground, where she resumed her earlier tantrum. I acknowledged, “I hear you are upset. We are going home now so I will place you in the pram.”

She fought me whilst I strapped her in and I continued to acknowledge, “You don’t want to be strapped in. You are having a really hard time and I need to get you home.” I ignored the stares of the onlookers and resisted the urge to give in to her request to walk. Given we had to walk the length of the shopping centre and through a car park, this would only result in further issues.

I pushed the pram with Penny screaming through the centre and out to the car park. Lucy was calm and collected so I helped her into her car seat first before pausing to decide how best to deal with Penny. I briefly thought about stopping and slowing down, giving Penny some time to get through her emotions before trying to put her in her seat. She’s a strong fighter and I knew how physically hard strapping her in would be with her being uncooperative. I decided against it.

While Lucy was currently ok, I knew her patience was not as resolved as mine and I could not expect her to sit in her seat indefinitely whilst I waited for Penny to come around. Besides, there was every chance that she would calm down only to be set off again once I required her to be in her seat.

So I steadied myself and moved confidently all the while talking Penny through the ordeal. “I am going to place you in your car seat now. I don’t want to hurt you so I will be as gentle as I can. I am picking you up now. You are not happy. I can hear how hard it is for you right now. I am placing you in your seat. You are very strong. I am going to hold you upright so I can buckle the straps. I’m sorry if this is hurting you. I am putting your arms through the straps. We are nearly done. You are all strapped in now. You are very upset and need to cry. It’s ok to cry as much as you need. I love you very much.”

I moved to kiss her little forehead but she let me know with a swinging arm that she did not want me close. That was ok and I backed off.

As I drove home I listened to her sobs as if each one was telling me a story of her tough day. This helped me listen with empathy and I never once felt so much as a pinch of anger or annoyance come over me. My little girl was hurting and I empathised. I drove the long way home, only turning towards our house once I heard her cries had diminished and an air of calm had come over her.

At home I unbuckled her and then asked if she would like a cuddle as I lifted her from her seat. I stated, “You were very upset. I could tell by your strong cries.” She wrapped her little arms around me and I held her tenderly as I felt her body relax in my arms. The skies had cleared. The release was over and she was once again unburdened of strong feelings. She was free to play peacefully for the rest of the day. Her tolerance and contentedness was remarkable in her interactions with her sister, her toys and my requests.

You might also like to read:

Coping With a Toddler Tantrum in a Stressful Situation ~ Kate Russell (Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids)

Testing Toddlers Crave Limits ~ Kate Russell (Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids)

No Ifs, Ands or Buts: Setting Limits With Empathy ~ Lisa Sunbury (Regarding Baby)

Setting Limits With Respect – What it Sounds Like (Podcast) ~ Janet Lansbury (Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare)