Slowing Down Care Giving Moments to Encourage Independence in Toddlers

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Days with my children are so hectic, so full on. Life with a three year old and a two year old can seem chaotic from the moment the first sounds of little pitter pattering feet make their way to our bedroom door in the morning, to the time they finally succumb to sleep as their heads hit the pillow at night.

Days with my children always seem so unproductive. On most days, neither of my children opt to have day sleeps so my opportunity to wash clothes, cook dinner, vacuum the floors, make the beds and generally keep the place somewhat tidy etc is severely impaired.

When my children are up and awake they command my attention and most of my day is taken up either helping them sort through disagreements or just needing to be there whilst they play. I try to steal moments to run the stick vac over the floor or peel some onions or gather in the washing but I find it difficult to multitask and find my attention when spread between two things, is not very effective on either of the things. I can’t tell you the number of dinners I have burnt as a result of this! I often wonder why my children need me to be with them whilst they play all – day – long! Even when I go to the toilet, my children follow me in and try to scramble onto my lap – is nothing sacred?

Independent play has never been high on my eldest daughter’s lists of priorities. On those rare occasions she seems to be occupying herself quietly, inevitably it’s because she is emptying out a tube of toothpaste or drawing on the tiles with her crayons or pulling all of the wipes out of the wipes container or smearing my mascara all over her face.

I can’t be sure whether her dependence on us for entertainment is a personality trait or a product of her early-childhood upbringing, whereby we showered her with an abundance of attention, played incessantly with her and made life thrilling and exciting whenever possible. Either way, finding her engaged in anything for longer than five minutes is very rare.

Except at bath time!

Bath time is my favourite time of the day. A time when my daughters are both happily occupied for upwards of half an hour and when I get to throw on the washing, tidy up and get dinner going. They sing at the top of their lungs in separate baths and engage me in conversation, always making sure I am nearby and being mindful to offer me a bite of their ‘icecream’ or a ticket to see a fabulous bubble creation they have made. I continually glance in on them as I march around the house in double time getting on top of as much housework as possible before they call out for me that they want to get out.

But it’s not enough. I want more. I want more for my daughters and I want more for me. But how is that possible? Well, as I have found out – it is!

Part of Magda Gerber’s care philosophies for raising young children to be confident, independent and self-assured is to shower them with attention and playfulness during care giving moments. If we fill their buckets with so much love and devotion during these tasks that they are saturated with us then the theory goes that they will no longer crave or need us to be right by them and involved in their free play time for the entire day.

I have known this philosophy for quite sometime and for many tasks such as nappy changes and meals, this is exactly what we try to do but I feel we have been in such a vicious cycle with the bath time thing that it has been a hard one to change. That time spent when the children are in the bath has been so precious to me for keeping our house (and therefore me) sane. So much so that I have been unwilling to give it up. But I have done it.

I now am a fully attentive, playful, sing songy, fun loving mother during bath times and I love it. And more importantly, my kids love it! We all sit on the floor of the shower together (well me on the floor and the girls in their baby baths on the floor) and we cook up dinners in little saucepans, make ice creams, build towers, sing songs and generally love life.

This is becoming a special time for bonding with my kids and I am starting to see the benefits already. After bath time, the girls are completely happy to play by themselves, they are not so clingy or needy and the afternoons are generally more relaxing. While they are busy playing shops or doctors or bouncing on the trampoline, I am able to get through the same chores I was previously rushing through, peacefully and calmly.

The bath time change has not been a miracle cure-all for helping my girls play independently. I have also had to increase the time I spend giving my children my complete and utter attention, during their play, for short bursts throughout the day. Magda Gerber referred to this as ‘wants nothing‘ time, it is important for keeping their attention buckets full throughout the day so they are more content to play independently

In the mornings, I spend close to half an hour sitting with the girls patiently. Observing their play and engaging with the girls when they engage me first either through eye contact, gestures or verbal cues. It is important that they are able to steer their play in their own way, even if it seems boring to me or I can see a better, more exciting way to do something. After a period of time, I find they naturally drift off elsewhere, giving me the time and space to achieve some of my own goals for the day.

I believe the change I have seen in them is because whilst previously I was spending nearly the entire day with the children, I was always distracted, trying to grab a moment here and there to tidy, clean and cook. I was not attentive to them. I was not absorbed by them and my focus was split. They knew this and subsequently kept needing me all day long.

Inevitably, now, as the day progresses, they find their way back to me and the clinginess returns. At this point I know it is time to address their needs again either through food, rest or undivided attention. Each day I am seeing bigger periods of independent play following a burst of wants nothing time and I am kicking myself that I did not start this earlier.

A Comprehensive Guide to RIE Parenting

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I have been learning about and implementing RIE (pronounced Rye and short for Resources for Infant Educarers) parenting since 2012. Over that time, I have experimented with different parenting techniques, including some that have not been so respectful, but I have always found my footing and the way forward when I have come back to RIE.

A Comprehensive Guide to RIE Continue reading →

7 Things I Should Know About Helping my Children to Share (From my Toddler Coach)

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With two strong-willed children close in age, learning to share in our house has been a long and winding road. Following the wisdom of RIE founder, Magda Gerber, I have been lucky enough to be able to trust in the capabilities and strength of our children and allow them to work through their struggles fairly independently. There have been times, however, that I have struggled with the relentlessness of the battles and am grateful to have had my children patiently coaching me through this stage for as long as I needed.
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Separating Our Children is Bringing Them Closer

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Separating our Children is Bringing them Closer

When sibling rivalry brings you to your wits end, you know something has to change. But what do you do when you are committed to raising your children with respectful parenting practices? When you believe that punishing children for their poor choices is not the way forward for your family and yet nothing else you have done works, it can make you feel a little desperate. Continue reading →

Respectful Parenting: Have I Made a Mistake?

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Respectful parenting is a heavily criticised and somewhat contentious form of parenting. In the absence of the use of punishment, bribes or rewards, it can be take children longer to choose to use appropriate behaviour on a regular basis. For parents, like us, battling in the trenches day in and day out with children who use aggression, create destruction and prefer to defy than cooperate, it can be so easy to waiver from the respectful parenting pathway in search of some quick fixes for these behaviours.

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Acting With The Eyes of Compassion – A Toddler CAN Do This!

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To act with the eyes of compassion is an expression I came across in my past work at a Catholic school. Something about these words struck a chord with me and I think about them often as I go about my daily life. Thinking of the true meaning behind ‘eyes of compassion’ helps me to stay calm when I feel hard done by or when I hear something unkind being said. To me this expression means act with true empathy even when you are not sure what it is that is causing the grief or angst against you in the other person. We can never truly know what it is like for another person as they live out their lives, even our own children and therefore it is important that we continue to treat them with respect and act gently even when they are not able to.

It is something I have been able to draw strength from during many of my toddler’s emotional outbursts and I also try to keep these words in mind when I hear criticism of my parenting as I open up the window into my personal life through this blog. I have spoken often of my intentions to ‘teach’ my children through modelling appropriate behaviours in the hopes that my future adult children will adopt these same traits and be confident to use them for their own good in the world. At times, this vision has seemed so far away so I was quite surprised when this week I was delivered a little gift; a glimpse into the future of my children.

The girls and I were painting with watercolours in the rumpus room. Lucy, two and three-quarters years, asks to paint with these everyday, several times a day. Penny also enjoys joining in and making her own creations. I always sit with the girls at their table and help them to keep the paint on the paper, away from the other furniture and each other. I love to listen to Lucy as she proudly describes in detail the components of her paintings and I have enjoyed watching the girls’ artworks evolve in complexity and confidence over time. I was thrilled recently when Lucy invited me to join her in some painting, fetching me a paint brush and some paper and encouraging me to draw whatever I would like to.

Some of you may remember that there was a time when Lucy would not let me draw, paint or colour in with her. I would barely begin my art piece when she would move in aggressively and tear, scrunch or hit away my paper. It seemed at the time that she would see her scribbles and compare them to the neatness and structure of my work and become somewhat jealous or frustrated. When I took a step back and gave her her own space to create without any pressure or preconceived ideas, she was much more content. I think as she has grown in confidence in her own skin, she is now really happy to watch me join in with her and at the same time retains immense pride in all her art work.

But that was not my gift. As happy as it makes me being able to paint alongside my children once again, the gift I received went deeper than that. Lucy and I were painting together. Penny had abandoned her work and was happily playing in the hammock swing nearby. Lucy looked over at my painting and asked me what it was. I had really just been doodling so I said I have made some shapes and lines. I framed my patterns with a rectangle and Lucy said to me “Have you drawn Play School (her term for daycare)?” I replied “Does it look like Play School to you?” She said yes so I added a roof and a chimney which she asked to help me colour in. Once finished she asked me to put some stairs inside, which I did. She then surprised me by grabbing the middle of the painting and scrunching it into her hand, tearing the wet paper.

I was genuinely upset as I had been enjoying this picture we were creating together and was making plans to hang it up on her art board as a collaborative piece. I decided to let Lucy know how I felt so I said “I was enjoying painting with you. I feel sad that the painting is ripped. I am going to let you paint here now whilst I hang the washing out.” I left the table and went to get the washing out of the machine (in the same room as the paint table). Lucy watched me solemnly as I left the table and then ran off to another room. I immediately felt guilty for making her feel bad about ripping the painting. After all, it wasn’t her fault. She is still very young and learning how to be careful. I imagined that she was running to get her security bunny which is her go-to when she is feeling low.

After a few moments, however, Lucy came running back into the rumpus room. She bounded quickly over the bridge (which is the entrance to the room) and looked lovingly at me as she climbed back onto the chair in front of the painting. It was then, in that moment that I saw my gift – it was in her eyes! Those same eyes of compassion that I have been trying so hard to see Lucy with everyday over the past few years were staring back at me. Lucy had gone to collect the sticky tape from the office desk to mend my painting. She sat at the painting for a very long time, working through some intense frustrations (without screaming for my help) as she tried so hard to get the sticky tape out of the dispenser. She pulled long pieces of tape out but couldn’t quite get them to break off. Remembering her cause, she came to me quietly, undemanding and said “I can’t get the tape into little pieces.” I showed her how she could do it and she returned to the table and worked hard until she was happy that the painting was fixed.

When she was finished she didn’t come to me for approval, instead she came to me and said “You’re painting is all better, Mummy! Don’t be sad.” and hugged my leg. It had been a hard day up to that point and as I crouched down to her and took her into my arms I let the tears flow as I thanked her for making me feel better.

Now, I would never judge anyone who told me that toddlers were self-centered and demanding. In fact, on many days I would whole-heartedly agree. But not on this day. A small act of kindness has shown me just how capable my children are at acting with the eyes of compassion and this time it was me that was the recipient!

Could NOT Forcing a Toddler to Share Help With Sharing Conflicts? – Part Two

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A while back I posted an article about the sharing issues between my two young toddlers (then 24 months and 11 months). I explained how my eldest daughter, Lucy, was struggling with allowing her younger sister, Penny, to have, well, pretty much anything. From morning to night, I would hear cries of “No! Mine!” even if Penny was clearly not interested in whatever it was Lucy was fiercely protecting. Rarely was Penny able to play freely with a toy or object without having to work through a conflict with her sister.

I wanted to post a ‘Part Two’ to this ongoing saga as I know how common this extremely difficult behaviour is in households everywhere and I also know how hard it can be sometimes to trust and believe that intervening scarcely will still result in a child who knows the value of sharing and shows empathy and consideration for others.

Lucy is now two years and nine months old whilst Penny is just 20 months. These children of mine are delightful in every sense of the word and seek out fun, adventure and a little bit of mischief in many of their undertakings. Despite their long-lived sibling battle, they would both rather play in each other’s company than play on their own. It is extremely reassuring for me to know this as I have often worried that the persistent possessiveness and need for control, Lucy has displayed towards Penny would result in a permanent blight on their developing relationship.

It has been quite a struggle for me to let go of this fear and allow my children the space they need to grow their own relationship. In doing so I have come to realise that with each act of taking, comes an opportunity for giving. For each cry out in anger comes a deeper understanding of each other’s tolerances and limits. And with each act of aggression comes an opportunity to learn empathy as they listen to each other’s suffering and feel their own pangs of misery as a result. As they lay their foundations for their own developing lives, they are learning to let each other in, little by little, step by step. My role is to simply allow this relationship journey to unfold safely without trying to force it, coerce it or manipulate it to unnaturally grow nicely, peacefully or overly quickly.

More frequently now, my patience and perseverance with my chosen technique is being rewarded with little previews of the true, unabashed kindness that my children possess. All those traits of empathy and consideration previously unseen are starting to blossom and fill the house with morsels of joy.

Just last week, I got caught up in the Christmas fever and baked a batch of gingerbread cookies – with the children of course. It was just a small batch. Just enough so that each of us could have just one large heart-shaped cookie each. They smelled wonderful as the aromas of sweet ginger filled the house and once out of the oven, I had a hard time keeping the children away from them long enough to let them cool.

By the time afternoon tea time came, the cookies were ready and the girls were very excited to take their hearts outside and sit side by side on the patio to eat them. Now, I should mention here that Lucy is a notoriously slow eater. She chews each mouthful carefully and is never in a hurry to go for the next one. Penny, on the other hand, devours her food, often barely even bothering to chew, instead gulping things down after just one bite and then hurriedly returning for the next. Penny is consequentially always quick to finish her meals and will often complete a second helping before Lucy is even half way through her first. On this day, with the gingerbread, things were no different.

The girls came wandering back inside about five minutes after going out. Penny had just one small piece left which she quickly shoved in her mouth before reaching out her hand and exclaiming “Bor, Bor!” (her indication for more). I said “You’ve finished your cookie and are asking for more. There’s no more now. There was just one each”. Not content with this, she trotted around into the kitchen, pushed her little step over to the bench where she knew the cookie tray was resting and climbed up. Somehow she knew there was one left – Daddy’s for when he returned home from work. I explained that this one was Daddy’s cookie and that she had finished hers but she was most unhappy with this prospect and proceeded to cry a heart wrenching cry to let me know.

During all this, Lucy stood quietly, watching, observing, clutching her cookie. When Penny began to cry she came towards her and without any hesitation said “Here Penny, you can have some of mine!” and with that she broke off a little corner of her heart and held it out to Penny. Unfortunately, by this stage, Penny was not in a good state. She swung her arms wildly at Lucy’s outstretched hand, sending the little piece flying across the kitchen. I calmly sportscast “You didn’t want that piece Lucy gave you, Penny. She climbed down her step and threw herself dramatically to the floor, screaming. Lucy then said, very matter-of-factly to me “I think Penny wanted a bigger one!” “Yeah” I replied.

What happened next has proven to me that it is not necessary for me to teach kindness, empathy or even sharing. These are innate in children and will come out themselves if they are fostered in the right environment and supported, without judgement as they snake their way through the egocentric stages of those early years. They see us modelling kindness on a daily basis and gradually make their own associations between feeling good about themselves and being treated nicely.

In the kitchen that day, Lucy proceeded to break off the lion’s share of her remaining cookie, handing it to Penny, who was still lying on the floor. Penny, accepted with a look of gratitude leaving Lucy with just one small mouthful in her hand. The girls merrily danced out of the kitchen together, running off to play and stopping only so that Penny could pick up the other piece of cookie that she had previously sent flying. She happily shovelled it into her mouth whilst still clutching the much larger piece she had so kindly been offered before continuing outside with her big sister.

I was left somewhat dumbfounded and strangely feeling like the ‘bad guy’ who didn’t give Penny the cookie she so badly wanted. Lucy had been the one to hear the suffering and sadness in Penny’s disappointed cry and showed remarkable selflessness and empathy to her little sister. The same little sister who had borne the brunt of Lucy’s ongoing emotional outbursts and couldn’t even walk into the same room as Lucy without needing to defend the toy she had chosen to play with, was now being supported and comforted by her long-standing rival.

This Mum couldn’t have been any prouder at that moment!

Learning to be a Respectful Parent

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It took 18 months of parenting before I realised I was on a dangerously downward spiralling path with my children, pushing them further away and slowly undermining their sense of confidence in themselves and trust in me. As I read more and more about the RIE philosophy, I made significant changes to my parenting approach to become a more respectful and reflective parent for my children. The changes subsequently seen in our household were instant and considerable. Suddenly parenting made more sense. I began really communicating with the girls and was able to slow down and enjoy so many more moments with them – yep even the hard ones! You can read more about my introduction to RIE here.

I began this blog just over six months ago with the hopes to inspire even just one person to become a more mindful and respectful parent as they take on one of life’s greatest roles. I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams that my little stories would be so well received and that people from all over the world would read them. I have learned so much about myself and my family along the way and feel blessed to be a part of such a supportive community both on the blog and through my Facebook page (Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids) I still continually find such strength and encouragement in talking to people about their own respectful parenting journey through these mediums.

If you are visiting for the first time, thank you for taking the time to pop by. My name is Kate and I am a mother of two beautiful toddlers 13 months apart in age. These two munchkins feature heavily in my posts as they are my inspiration and my guides as I negotiate the twists and turns of the Lucy and Penny roller coaster.

I have put together some of my favourite posts here if you wanted to read a little more about some of our stories.

Caring for Emotions