Category Archives: Parenting Peacefully

Dummy Weaning With Respect and Empathy

When we introduced a dummy to our youngest daughter when she was an infant, we had not yet discovered the wonderful world of respectful parenting and did not understand that our daughter would have been better off without it. We knew, however, that one day she would need to be weaned from it. We were advised to complete the weaning process by the age of six months or wait until she was two years. With a myriad of medical issues as a youngster, the time just never seemed right to wean before six months and before we knew it she was eight months old and the dummy was well and truly ensconced in our lives.

Just recently, however, our youngest turned two and it came time to think about helping her wean from her dummy. There are many reasons parents decide to become dummy free including an increase in reliance on it throughout the day, disrupted sleeps whereby the child wakes when they can’t find their dummy, delayed speech caused by frequent dummy use and the list goes on.

None of these were of concern for us. Our daughter only used it when she slept, slept soundly once asleep and happily took her dummy to the sink for washing once the sleep was finished. She never whinged for it and rarely woke looking for it. Having her dummy also helped her rest in her room for her day sleeps, and overall it was a positive experience for her and the family.

What was concerning us, however, was her teeth. She was showing signs of her teeth being pulled forward and her palate pushed up and our dentist advised that the dummy was the culprit. We therefore made the decision to remove it. We knew it was not going to be easy but we had faith in our little girl and in ourselves as her confident parents that together we could do it.

We read countless articles on differing ways to approach dummy weaning but to us, it was important that we involve our daughter fully in the process and treat her with due respect and empathy. The fact was, we had given her this crutch in a somewhat self-serving manner so we knew we were going to fully support her and guide her gently through the process of taking it away.

We chose to adopt a little bit of magic to bring a soothing perspective to the process. We knew that regardless of how we approached this, it was going to be an emotional time for our daughter and we were not afraid of those emotions. We fully intended to allow her to grieve in whatever way she needed to. Childhood is the only time in our lives where we have the capacity to believe in the wonder and enchantment of magical mysteries. My daughters are fantastically imaginative so I knew the idea of a Dummy Fairy visiting their home would be exciting to them.

We aimed for a weekend where our schedules were clear. If we were going to have late nights and disrupted sleep, we needed to know that we could lay low in the days following. We were fully prepared to listen to the needs of our daughter throughout the process and resolved not to abandon her if she clearly indicated she needed us with her.

In the weeks leading up to the actual dummy weaning weekend, we spoke about the fact that as she was getting older the dummy was affecting her teeth and that soon, she would not need to use a dummy to go to sleep any more. Usually this resulted in her firmly holding her dummy in her mouth as if in objection to the idea of giving it up. But, strangely, in the end it was her decision to let them go and we couldn’t be more happy with how it all panned out.

Day 1: Introducing the idea of the Dummy Fairy

Time to Sleep: 10 mins

Slept until: 6:30am

This was a Friday night and the night we decided would be best to start dummy weaning. We spoke to both girls about Dummy Fairies during the day and introduced the idea that a fairy comes to collect the dummies. We let our daughter know that it was up to her when the Dummy Fairy came. We had had a particularly unsettled day on this Friday and she had had a long, late day sleep so consequently we decided not to push the issue any further. She went to sleep this night with her dummy.

Day 2: Giving the Dummies to The Fairy

Time to sleep: 2.25 hrs

Slept until: 7:00am

Throughout this day I casually spoke about the Dummy Fairy and we imagined what she might look like, how big she was and what she used to carry the dummies. We wondered what she did with the dummies and older sister, (3) decided she must give them to the Dummy Fairy babies.

When bedtime came, I asked our youngest whether she would like her dummy to sleep or whether she would like to collect them all in a basket for the Dummy Fairy. She clearly said Dummy Fairy so we began collecting them all up, making sure not to forget any hiding in day care bags or nappy bags.

She then had the choice of where she should place the basket for the Dummy Fairy to find. She confidently strode into her bedroom with the basket and tucked it neatly inside her bedside table. I was worried initially that the temptation to retrieve a dummy from the stash would be too great once the reality of trying to sleep without one set in. But I trusted her and supported her decision to place them in this position.

We then set about going through her normal bedtime routine – brush teeth, stories, cuddles, lights out. During the stories she looked for her dummy in its usual position but when it wasn’t there we reminded her that she was giving her dummies to the Dummy Fairy tonight. She never asked again. We finished her stories and cuddles and turned off the lights.

At this point she became clingy and we offered her comfort. We acknowledged “We know it’s hard for you to sleep without your dummy. We have faith that you will soon learn. We will help you. Would you like me to stay with you a little longer tonight.” With her little ‘yes’ I snuggled down next to her in her bed. I stroked her hair gently, helping her to reach a state of relaxation with soothing lullabies.

Once she was still and serene (but awake) (about 45 mins) I let her know I would be leaving the room but would come back if she needed me. She let me leave and remained quiet for about 10 mins. After this time she called out for me (not crying just calling). I went in and found she had turned on the light. I reminded her it was sleep time and the light needed to stay off. I then knelt by her bed and stroked her hair. She held my other hand and again reached a state of relaxation. At this point I stopped stroking and just held her hand. When she didn’t object, I carefully removed my hand from hers and just knelt by her until she was asleep.

That night we replaced her dummies with some small gifts and a little note from the Fairy. Big sister had also found some old (unused) dummies to leave for the Fairy also so she too got a little gift and note. They were both so excited to find their baskets adorned with fairy dust and a personalised note.

Day 3: Giving more time to adapt to sleep without dummy

Time to sleep: 2 hrs

Slept Until: 6:30am

Without the dummy, the option for a day sleep was passed on. This was not unusual for our daughter, though as her day sleeps had already become more and more infrequent (less than 3 a week). Come bedtime, she was particularly tired though which I thought would be more conducive to her sleeping quickly. As I lay with her after our usual routine, I could hear her making sucking noises with her mouth. It must have felt really strange to her not to have something in there to send the message to her brain to switch off. I spoke of this to her gently and again reminded her how much we loved and trusted her to be able to do this.

On this night, I stroked her as in the previous night but stayed for a shorter period of time (probably 20 mins) before leaving in the same manner as Day 2 above. I stayed out a little longer too. She turned her light on and played happily until we returned about 15 mins later. We then repeated a pattern of staying in for 5 mins and then out for 10 mins, giving her the opportunity to get to sleep without us or the dummy, for about an hour. As she was no closer to sleep, DH finally chose to stay in with her to stop her turning on the light to play. He sang beside her bed until she stopped squirming and then sat on the floor until she went to sleep.

Day 4: Using presence to help to sleep

Time to Sleep: 35 mins

Slept Until: 6:30am

On the fourth night we read her stories and sang to her to relax. DH then stayed in there until she fell asleep. He sat on the floor beside her bed in the dark. There was no interaction between the two, he was just there. She wriggled and squirmed for about 20 mins until she became still on her pillow. About fifteen minutes later she was asleep.

Day 5: Staying in tune with our daughter as she let us know she was ready

Fully prepared to continue with our presence in the room until our daughter had become used to putting herself to sleep without a dummy, we were surprised tonight when after our usual routine, she did not cling to us, wanting us to stay. We kissed her goodnight, as we had done pre dummy weaning, turned off the light and left the room. I peeked in at her 10 minutes later and she was fast asleep.

We are prepared for a regression of course but are now totally confident in her and our ability to see her through any hiccup that may present itself.

I had always dreaded the dummy weaning process but the two words I would use to describe these few nights with our daughter are beautiful and precious. We listened to our daughter, supported her when she needed it and gave her just the right amount of space to work it through and come to terms with it herself.

For more information on dummies and dummy weaning I recommend this article:

Passing on Pacifiers (Thumbs up) Janet Lansbury (Janet Lansbury- Elevating Childcare)

Slowing Down Care Giving Moments to Encourage Independence in Toddlers

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Days with my children are so hectic, so full on. Life with a three year old and a two year old can seem chaotic from the moment the first sounds of little pitter pattering feet make their way to our bedroom door in the morning, to the time they finally succumb to sleep as their heads hit the pillow at night.

Days with my children always seem so unproductive. On most days, neither of my children opt to have day sleeps so my opportunity to wash clothes, cook dinner, vacuum the floors, make the beds and generally keep the place somewhat tidy etc is severely impaired.

When my children are up and awake they command my attention and most of my day is taken up either helping them sort through disagreements or just needing to be there whilst they play. I try to steal moments to run the stick vac over the floor or peel some onions or gather in the washing but I find it difficult to multitask and find my attention when spread between two things, is not very effective on either of the things. I can’t tell you the number of dinners I have burnt as a result of this! I often wonder why my children need me to be with them whilst they play all – day – long! Even when I go to the toilet, my children follow me in and try to scramble onto my lap – is nothing sacred?

Independent play has never been high on my eldest daughter’s lists of priorities. On those rare occasions she seems to be occupying herself quietly, inevitably it’s because she is emptying out a tube of toothpaste or drawing on the tiles with her crayons or pulling all of the wipes out of the wipes container or smearing my mascara all over her face.

I can’t be sure whether her dependence on us for entertainment is a personality trait or a product of her early-childhood upbringing, whereby we showered her with an abundance of attention, played incessantly with her and made life thrilling and exciting whenever possible. Either way, finding her engaged in anything for longer than five minutes is very rare.

Except at bath time!

Bath time is my favourite time of the day. A time when my daughters are both happily occupied for upwards of half an hour and when I get to throw on the washing, tidy up and get dinner going. They sing at the top of their lungs in separate baths and engage me in conversation, always making sure I am nearby and being mindful to offer me a bite of their ‘icecream’ or a ticket to see a fabulous bubble creation they have made. I continually glance in on them as I march around the house in double time getting on top of as much housework as possible before they call out for me that they want to get out.

But it’s not enough. I want more. I want more for my daughters and I want more for me. But how is that possible? Well, as I have found out – it is!

Part of Magda Gerber’s care philosophies for raising young children to be confident, independent and self-assured is to shower them with attention and playfulness during care giving moments. If we fill their buckets with so much love and devotion during these tasks that they are saturated with us then the theory goes that they will no longer crave or need us to be right by them and involved in their free play time for the entire day.

I have known this philosophy for quite sometime and for many tasks such as nappy changes and meals, this is exactly what we try to do but I feel we have been in such a vicious cycle with the bath time thing that it has been a hard one to change. That time spent when the children are in the bath has been so precious to me for keeping our house (and therefore me) sane. So much so that I have been unwilling to give it up. But I have done it.

I now am a fully attentive, playful, sing songy, fun loving mother during bath times and I love it. And more importantly, my kids love it! We all sit on the floor of the shower together (well me on the floor and the girls in their baby baths on the floor) and we cook up dinners in little saucepans, make ice creams, build towers, sing songs and generally love life.

This is becoming a special time for bonding with my kids and I am starting to see the benefits already. After bath time, the girls are completely happy to play by themselves, they are not so clingy or needy and the afternoons are generally more relaxing. While they are busy playing shops or doctors or bouncing on the trampoline, I am able to get through the same chores I was previously rushing through, peacefully and calmly.

The bath time change has not been a miracle cure-all for helping my girls play independently. I have also had to increase the time I spend giving my children my complete and utter attention, during their play, for short bursts throughout the day. Magda Gerber referred to this as ‘wants nothing‘ time, it is important for keeping their attention buckets full throughout the day so they are more content to play independently

In the mornings, I spend close to half an hour sitting with the girls patiently. Observing their play and engaging with the girls when they engage me first either through eye contact, gestures or verbal cues. It is important that they are able to steer their play in their own way, even if it seems boring to me or I can see a better, more exciting way to do something. After a period of time, I find they naturally drift off elsewhere, giving me the time and space to achieve some of my own goals for the day.

I believe the change I have seen in them is because whilst previously I was spending nearly the entire day with the children, I was always distracted, trying to grab a moment here and there to tidy, clean and cook. I was not attentive to them. I was not absorbed by them and my focus was split. They knew this and subsequently kept needing me all day long.

Inevitably, now, as the day progresses, they find their way back to me and the clinginess returns. At this point I know it is time to address their needs again either through food, rest or undivided attention. Each day I am seeing bigger periods of independent play following a burst of wants nothing time and I am kicking myself that I did not start this earlier.

Acting With The Eyes of Compassion – A Toddler CAN Do This!

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To act with the eyes of compassion is an expression I came across in my past work at a Catholic school. Something about these words struck a chord with me and I think about them often as I go about my daily life. Thinking of the true meaning behind ‘eyes of compassion’ helps me to stay calm when I feel hard done by or when I hear something unkind being said. To me this expression means act with true empathy even when you are not sure what it is that is causing the grief or angst against you in the other person. We can never truly know what it is like for another person as they live out their lives, even our own children and therefore it is important that we continue to treat them with respect and act gently even when they are not able to.

It is something I have been able to draw strength from during many of my toddler’s emotional outbursts and I also try to keep these words in mind when I hear criticism of my parenting as I open up the window into my personal life through this blog. I have spoken often of my intentions to ‘teach’ my children through modelling appropriate behaviours in the hopes that my future adult children will adopt these same traits and be confident to use them for their own good in the world. At times, this vision has seemed so far away so I was quite surprised when this week I was delivered a little gift; a glimpse into the future of my children.

The girls and I were painting with watercolours in the rumpus room. Lucy, two and three-quarters years, asks to paint with these everyday, several times a day. Penny also enjoys joining in and making her own creations. I always sit with the girls at their table and help them to keep the paint on the paper, away from the other furniture and each other. I love to listen to Lucy as she proudly describes in detail the components of her paintings and I have enjoyed watching the girls’ artworks evolve in complexity and confidence over time. I was thrilled recently when Lucy invited me to join her in some painting, fetching me a paint brush and some paper and encouraging me to draw whatever I would like to.

Some of you may remember that there was a time when Lucy would not let me draw, paint or colour in with her. I would barely begin my art piece when she would move in aggressively and tear, scrunch or hit away my paper. It seemed at the time that she would see her scribbles and compare them to the neatness and structure of my work and become somewhat jealous or frustrated. When I took a step back and gave her her own space to create without any pressure or preconceived ideas, she was much more content. I think as she has grown in confidence in her own skin, she is now really happy to watch me join in with her and at the same time retains immense pride in all her art work.

But that was not my gift. As happy as it makes me being able to paint alongside my children once again, the gift I received went deeper than that. Lucy and I were painting together. Penny had abandoned her work and was happily playing in the hammock swing nearby. Lucy looked over at my painting and asked me what it was. I had really just been doodling so I said I have made some shapes and lines. I framed my patterns with a rectangle and Lucy said to me “Have you drawn Play School (her term for daycare)?” I replied “Does it look like Play School to you?” She said yes so I added a roof and a chimney which she asked to help me colour in. Once finished she asked me to put some stairs inside, which I did. She then surprised me by grabbing the middle of the painting and scrunching it into her hand, tearing the wet paper.

I was genuinely upset as I had been enjoying this picture we were creating together and was making plans to hang it up on her art board as a collaborative piece. I decided to let Lucy know how I felt so I said “I was enjoying painting with you. I feel sad that the painting is ripped. I am going to let you paint here now whilst I hang the washing out.” I left the table and went to get the washing out of the machine (in the same room as the paint table). Lucy watched me solemnly as I left the table and then ran off to another room. I immediately felt guilty for making her feel bad about ripping the painting. After all, it wasn’t her fault. She is still very young and learning how to be careful. I imagined that she was running to get her security bunny which is her go-to when she is feeling low.

After a few moments, however, Lucy came running back into the rumpus room. She bounded quickly over the bridge (which is the entrance to the room) and looked lovingly at me as she climbed back onto the chair in front of the painting. It was then, in that moment that I saw my gift – it was in her eyes! Those same eyes of compassion that I have been trying so hard to see Lucy with everyday over the past few years were staring back at me. Lucy had gone to collect the sticky tape from the office desk to mend my painting. She sat at the painting for a very long time, working through some intense frustrations (without screaming for my help) as she tried so hard to get the sticky tape out of the dispenser. She pulled long pieces of tape out but couldn’t quite get them to break off. Remembering her cause, she came to me quietly, undemanding and said “I can’t get the tape into little pieces.” I showed her how she could do it and she returned to the table and worked hard until she was happy that the painting was fixed.

When she was finished she didn’t come to me for approval, instead she came to me and said “You’re painting is all better, Mummy! Don’t be sad.” and hugged my leg. It had been a hard day up to that point and as I crouched down to her and took her into my arms I let the tears flow as I thanked her for making me feel better.

Now, I would never judge anyone who told me that toddlers were self-centered and demanding. In fact, on many days I would whole-heartedly agree. But not on this day. A small act of kindness has shown me just how capable my children are at acting with the eyes of compassion and this time it was me that was the recipient!

Learning to be a Respectful Parent

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It took 18 months of parenting before I realised I was on a dangerously downward spiralling path with my children, pushing them further away and slowly undermining their sense of confidence in themselves and trust in me. As I read more and more about the RIE philosophy, I made significant changes to my parenting approach to become a more respectful and reflective parent for my children. The changes subsequently seen in our household were instant and considerable. Suddenly parenting made more sense. I began really communicating with the girls and was able to slow down and enjoy so many more moments with them – yep even the hard ones! You can read more about my introduction to RIE here.

I began this blog just over six months ago with the hopes to inspire even just one person to become a more mindful and respectful parent as they take on one of life’s greatest roles. I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams that my little stories would be so well received and that people from all over the world would read them. I have learned so much about myself and my family along the way and feel blessed to be a part of such a supportive community both on the blog and through my Facebook page (Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids) I still continually find such strength and encouragement in talking to people about their own respectful parenting journey through these mediums.

If you are visiting for the first time, thank you for taking the time to pop by. My name is Kate and I am a mother of two beautiful toddlers 13 months apart in age. These two munchkins feature heavily in my posts as they are my inspiration and my guides as I negotiate the twists and turns of the Lucy and Penny roller coaster.

I have put together some of my favourite posts here if you wanted to read a little more about some of our stories.

Caring for Emotions

When Extreme Emotions Take Over a Toddler

I have a Daughter With Intense Emotions

Coping With a Toddler’s Emotional Outbursts

Damage Limitation Following a Parental Meltdown

Discipline

Coping With a Limit Tester

Punitive vs Nurturing Discipline

‘That’s Too Loud, Mummy!’

Could NOT Forcing a Toddler to Share Help With Sharing Conflicts?

The Secrets to Successfully Sportscasting my Children’s Struggles

Confidence and Natural Development

Rebuilding a Child’s Confidence

Can Young Children be Better Served by Not Teaching Them?

Allowing Children to Play For Their Age and Stage

The Joy of Natural Development

Communication

Changing The Change Table Relationship

How RIE helped Diagnose a Potentially Serious Condition in Our Baby

Play

What’s in a Toy?

Taming the Toys

Our Weekly Play Series (Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4, Week 5, Week 6, Week 7)

Increasing Attention Span in Toddlers Through Purposeful Play

Using Provocations to Extend an Interest

Finding a Peaceful Way to Prepare Dinner

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Having dinner on the table in time to ward off the hunger grizzles at about 5:30pm is something I usually find quite stressful. Normally, I try to get as much done at midday when my youngest sleeps and my eldest is in her room for quiet time. Unfortunately, quiet time has not been going so well recently so I have been resorting to the TV to try to get this job done. I pre record an episode of Play School and allow Lucy to watch it whilst I prepare the evening meal and get a couple of other things done.

I have always tried to limit the amount of television the kids are exposed to, therefore, this habit is something I am not entirely comfortable with. So today I decided to try a new tact for getting the dinner done. It came on a whim actually as I saw the children were sharing a rare moment of cooperative reading in the corner as I was clearing the breakfast dishes. I had finished what I was doing and as I watched them play happily together I realised I had a little more time up my sleeves.

So I got all the ingredients out of the fridge to make a Bolognese sauce. That was as far as I got before my two and a half year old came bounding in with a ‘What you making?” At this point I had several options. I could have:

1. packed everything away and waited for the midday rest.

2. Set the girls up with a different task to keep them occupied whilst I hurriedly finished or,

3. Involved them in the process of making dinner. I have actually done this in the past but not usually with both children.

So I told Lucy what I was making and then asked if she would like to help. Of course she did so I set her a task of chopping the mushrooms which she did with great concentration.

Once she had done this, I charged her with peeling the onion. This is a great one for her as it involves removing (hence destroying) the skin and dumping it in a bowl.

At this point Penny (eighteen months) sauntered in. I had run out of child friendly jobs to do so I asked her to choose a saucepan out of the drawer and hand it to me. She did this eagerly and before long I had three saucepans lining the bench. I handed one back to her explaining that we only needed two. As she was taking it back to the drawer she set it down on the floor, lifted the lid and placed her apple in it. She was clearly imitating the cooking process so I handed her a wooden spoon so she could ‘work’ along side me.

Once Lucy had finished the onion peeling, she grabbed the bowl of discarded peel and climbed down to Penny, adding the peel to her saucepan. This began an all-consuming process for the two of them, creating their own dinner (a stew of sorts). They used all the scraps from my chopping as well as a few bits and pieces they had found on the floor (leftover toast scraps from breakfast – nice cleaning strategy haha!). They worked together contently, stirring, combining, putting the lid on and off.

Lucy even pinched some of my parsley and began chopping it into the pan.

They were so occupied by their cooking that I was able to complete the dinner and have it set aside for the evening’s meal long before they had finished with theirs. Once they were done they grabbed some of the empty bowls from the bench and proceeded to dish up the delicious meal and sit together to enjoy it.

Now, of course I don’t expect this to happen every day, but it has made me realise that getting the dinner done means picking the right time in the day in which to do it. The children are infinitely better in the mornings so I intend to see whether I can wait for a time when they are playing independently to begin the dinner process and then ensure I set aside the easier jobs for them when they inevitably come to help me. Hopefully this way I will break the habit of using the television to babysit them so I can get this job done.

Children love to be involved in the daily chores. I have learned that if I set aside plenty of time for them to be done (ie. limit the number and length of outings in the day and be somewhat organised), I can work patiently alongside my children as they learn life skills and gain satisfaction through diligent focus in the process.

For more reading on involving your children in your household chores you might like to visit these posts:

10 fun chores kids love – Kidspot (Kate@AnEverydayStory)

The Worried Cheese – Preparing Snacks at 21 Months ~ An Everyday Story

Respectful Parenting is Not Always Easiest

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For some time now I have been going against my own instincts and the advice of many friends, families and experts and instead following the path of RIE parenting. I firmly believe that the studies Magda Gerber conducted late last century were insightful, accurate and most importantly helpful to parents wanting to treat their children respectfully. By choosing this method of child rearing, I am confident that my husband and I are empowering our children whilst building a long-lasting, trusting and loving relationship with them.

In saying this, it has not been an easy road. This form of parenting is deliberate. It’s thoughtful. It requires constant self-reflection, patience and trust. It takes a lot of energy and mental effort to challenge your own instincts and go against the only real experience you can draw on when parenting, your own parent’s methods. This coupled with the fact that many of the techniques and philosophies proposed by Magda are completely opposite to the mainstream advice given or demonstrated on a daily basis through friends, family, acquaintances, mother’s groups and experts, ensures that it is quite easy to be discouraged.

As I watch children being helped to play, made to share, stuck in time out, assisted to develop milestones and picked up suddenly without warning I often wonder why is it me that attracts strange looks and even judgements when I do things differently. Every now and then, however, I get this little niggle of doubt creep over me. I sometimes look at my children and think, if I am doing things so respectfully; if I’m communicating with my children and acknowledging their feelings and trusting them to learn in their own way and in their own time, then why are they still screaming, using rough behaviour and throwing tantrums? In all the social circles I mix, I have only one or two friends who have joined me in parts on this RIE journey and it seems as though among all my other friends very few of them have trouble with their children testing limits, expressing extreme emotion or following instructions. This has had me seriously questioning the parenting path I have chosen and made me wonder if RIE was really the right choice for our highly spirited toddler in particular.

Then something occurred to me, I have read countless articles as well as comments from parents and experts in RIE circles who speak about their children taking longer to crawl, walk, talk, say please, thank you, hi and goodbye etc because they have been allowed to work through these developments at their own pace through supportive rather than expectant parenting. Part of the RIE philosophy is trusting that our children are capable beings and will develop the skills they need in their own pace and at their own time. By not showing them how to do things, sure, they may take a little longer but along the way they will develop vital other skills such as independence, perseverance and problem solving and once they have achieved their goal, they have done so much more completely and authentically than had they been pushed to do so through assistive techniques. So it got me wondering whether it is the same for behaviours as it is for developmental milestones?

My 2.5 year old was introduced to RIE parenting quite late in the piece and well after her younger sibling bounded into her world taking with her her former peaceful life where sharing wasn’t necessary, parents were at her beck and call and her life was content. She struggled significantly in those early days with extreme emotion, disruptive sleep and limit testing. This is what encouraged me to seek help and led to my discovery of RIE. Upon absorbing everything we possibly could about parenting respectfully, we noticed a distinct lack of punitive discipline. So for the past twelve months, the girls have had limits set through the use of natural consequences balanced with a respect for their autonomy. They have been trusted to sort through their sibling struggles in their own way and time through neutral sportscasting and again trust and they have been encouraged to express unpleasant emotions as and when they need to. When my husband and I made the conscious decision to adopt this style of discipline, it never occurred to us that we might still be dealing with some of these problems a year later.

When I look at other children and consider their politeness, their obedience and their lack of regularly expressed emotion I can’t help but wonder is it genetics? Were we always destined to parent strong-willed children or has it got something to do with the parenting style we have chosen. Now I know this doesn’t sound like a great plug for the parenting method I have been passionately blogging about for 7 months but when I stop to consider the alternative we had at the time, I have to trust that we have made the right choice. I know I could make my daughter stop taking toys from her sister by sending her to time out. I am sure she would no longer be rough towards her if I smacked her as a consequence a couple of times. Using fear as a way to change a child’s unwanted behaviour can certainly be effective in providing that outcome. I could send my daughter to her room every time she tantrumed or needed to express emotion and I’m sure after a time she would learn to kerb those emotions and keep them to herself. I could insist she says please before I hand her her food and take it away again if she refuses to say thank you. She would no doubt learn quickly to say these words that mean nothing to her but everything to society. I could certainly make our lives much more serene here by parenting in a more mainstream way and maybe my children would seem more respectful and obedient and probably happy on the surface but that’s not what we signed up for.

I have realised that trusting a child to learn right from wrong through limit setting and modelling, without the use of punishment, means accepting that they may need more time to internalise appropriate and acceptable behaviour. The mantra I repeat regularly when I need reassurance of this is that the difficult behaviours being displayed now are not going to exist when my children are 21 years old. In fact I often say this when I am questioned about not enforcing manners or greetings. I am confident of the fact that my 21 year old daughters will use appropriate manners and greet people as necessary. I know they will not scream and yell and throw themselves to the ground when they don’t get their own way and I am sure they will ‘play’ nicely with their friends too. I certainly hope they will achieve these things well before they are 21 but that is the age that I picture them setting sail from my parenting and casting off into their own lives. By then I should have done all I can to prepare them for all life will throw at them.

So I am going to ride out this difficult time. I am not going to resort to using punishments that whilst more effective and quicker in the short term, could threaten to undermine my child’s confidence or demolish our trusting relationship. I’m not going to insist my children stop crying or screaming just to keep the peace. I value emotional welfare and I have seen first hand the effects of stifling children’s emotions and not supporting them when they are at their most vulnerable. I am not going to enforce social niceties just so my children don’t seem rude to others. Both of my children often now say please, thank you and sorry of their own accord and it is so much more joyful to hear then had I insisted it be said because I know they mean it and are beginning to be guided through our modelling. As for the limit testing, well I am learning that my eldest toddler seeks to push the boundaries whenever she can see a crack. It is my job to close that crack before she is able to push her way through. As I close one crack, she inevitably finds another one but I will be there to ensure that she is kept safely from making it through each one.

For more reading on respectful parenting head to these wonderful sites:

Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare ~ http://www.janetlansbury.com/

Lisa Sunbury – Regarding Baby ~ http://www.regardingbaby.org/blog/

Dr Laura Markham – Aha Parenting ~ http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/parenting_blog

Why I Don’t Call My Daughter Shy

17 Replies

Shyness is something that has followed me around since my early childhood. I remember vividly hiding behind my mother’s legs during greetings and had a really hard time of it during Kindy, Pre-school and most of Year 1 at school where I would freeze up at every occasion I was confronted by a teacher or classmate. In my latter school years, public speaking requirements held me back from taking on leadership opportunities.

Don't Call My Daughter Shy! ~ Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids Continue reading →

Repairing the Relationship With a Child After a Parental Meltdown

34 Replies

Repairing the Relationship After a Parental Meltdown

Most of us, at some point or another, have a parental meltdown; a moment where our emotions, in response to our child’s behaviour, gets the better of us and we react with frustration and/or anger. There are many factors that can contribute to these meltdowns. For me, It could be that I am tired, stressed, disconnected from the kids or my husband or that I have lost sight of perspective in the way I am viewing their behaviours .

Either way, I know it shouldn’t happen. I know I have to be more mindful and to keep my emotions in check. I know that each time I lose it with my children, it affects them and it affects our relationship. It is important, therefore, that I make an effort to repair the rupture that has happened, before moving on. Continue reading →